Cameron Bere, a world-renowned cheese connoisseur hailing from Switzerland arrived at SFU last Friday to huge fanfare and applause. His reason for flying halfway around the world: to examine the authenticity of claims that the Cheese Whizzes, a campus club, had successfully created the world’s largest wheel of parmesan-reggiano cheese.
The enormous cheese measures at over 50 feet across and weighs a muenster-ous 550 pounds. If the cheese meets all the standards and regulations of the European Dairy Union, it will officially be recognized as the world’s largest wheel.
The Peak caught up with the Swiss cheese expert. “Let’s brie serious, the EDU gets hundreds of these claims a year, and only a handful ever paneer out. Frankly, I’m more than a little feta up with it, I’d even go as far to as saying drives me emmental, the things people will do just to get into that edam book of world records. I mean, we’ve seen everything, from illegal food dyes to sawdust used as filler.”
“Not to mention the rampant bribery, it’s gotten to the point where we cheese inspectors have to wall ourselves off in the proverbial roquefort just to stay impartial. But in gouda faith we still fly out to each supposedly ‘world’s largest cheese’. Hopefully this won’t be the queso this time.”
In a press release, club president Jack Colby assured the community of the veritablity of their record-breaking wheel. “Now we know a mozza things have been said about the authenticity of Parman Sandiego (the nickname given to the world-record contending cheese), mainly by the Lactosetmasters, our rival organization at UBC. But we’ve been over our methodology time and again and we can assure you the work is Gouda. Futhermo—
“We’ve already done that one.”
“We’ve already used the ‘in Gouda faith’ pun. Pick another.”
“Um, alright . . . we . . . are certain that after all the Gruyère-ling work we’ve put in on Parmen, the weeks of waking up in a curd sweat in of the night, that the EDU will have no choice but to recognize that our cheese is the world’s largest.”
The record-breaking attempt comes at the same time as the club’s annual mixer, which organizers describe the event as a real “double cheddar”