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Strange occurrences continue to shroud Trottier Observatory; Ghostbuster sighted

[BURNABY] – A student investigating reports of a purple and green alien trapped inside the Trottier observatory seems to have vanished. A video of the misadventure is circulating online, with someone on the audio commenting that “something totally sounded like the proton packs from Ghostbusters,” followed by a trailing-off scream and a flash of green light. Visual details are impossible to make out, as the video seems to have been recorded using a 0.2 megapixel avocado.

Until the fate of the intrepid adventurer can be determined, SFU’s Environmental Health and Safety department has placed the observatory under tighter regulations, warning visitors to “not behave like complete idiots” and “not touch anything else, you morons.” Strangely, the observatory also passed its safety evaluation.

Protesters sick and tired of Manitoba being forgotten by everyone who doesn’t live there

[WINNIPEG] – Students gathered outside Manitoba parliament to protest the lack of public consultation on the proposed Energy East pipeline that would increase oil transported across the province. However, contrary to other movements, the group described themselves as ‘pro pipeline’ so long as their demands were met. Among the list is that if a pipeline were to be constructed, Canadian maps would be changed to include arrows that pointed at Manitoba along with phrases like “this is totally a province,” “Winnipeg has a higher population than Vancouver,” and “stop forgetting we exist.” Further, the group would relax all environmental regulations on the pipeline so long as the pipeline itself is constructed of crude oil.

Canada’s ‘top’ University asks for money, student groups shrug and don’t complain

[MONTREAL] – McGill University shocked the world by declaring that it had no controversy to declare whatsoever. When student and activist groups were approached, they confirmed the reports by saying “Yeah, we’re good for now. Everything’s fine.” All parties are excited for the upcoming fundraiser, formerly known as #McGill24, which aims to raise funds to provide more student programs over a 24-hour period. The event has been renamed several times to #helpImtrappedintheinternet to #howdidIgethere and finally as #stayawayfromtheobservatory.

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