To the wonderful student population of Simon Fraser University,
The transition from February to March can only mean one thing: it’s time to welcome back election season at SFU. While majority of the plebs that go to this school may groan and roll their eyes at the sound of the word election, I trust that you who are reading this very newspaper come from a background of enlightenment, higher education, and one that actually “gives a shit,” as one commoner in my Partial Differential Equations class put his relationship with nonlinear equations.
But you may be wondering: who is this person insulting me? My name is Grace N. Howl, and I am here to tell you why you should give a shit about student politics and, more importantly, why you should vote for me to be your next president in the upcoming Simon Fraser Student Society (or SFSS for you lazy pricks).
Think to yourself: which one of the most recent “presidents” of the SFSS have selfies with the late and great Nelson Mandela?
I am a fourth-year student who is pursuing a double major in Political Science and Mathematics. My dream is to be prime minister one day; someone who can slay debates, balance the budget, and fix climate change, all while looking incredibly hot. I consider myself a worldly person, one who can speak four languages fluently and has been to every continent, with the exception of Antarctica. They aren’t ready for The Howl yet. I’ve brushed shoulders with the world’s most important people; gave the Queen some fashion tips to liven up her palette of pastels, and even talked to the Dalai Lama about what I think would help to improve world peace. Think to yourself: which one of the most recent presidents of the SFSS have selfies with the late and great Nelson Mandela?
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
You lazy students are awaiting a saviour, and I promise you that I, Grace N. Howl, will be the one to make SFU great again. I most certainly am exactly what you are looking for, as this is exactly why God put me on this earth. Don’t let my lack of height and tiny hands fool you — I am powerful, mighty, and probably your only chance for bringing prestige back to SFU. We have been living in UBC’s shadow for far too long, so it’s time to kick them to the curb. Let’s keep those dirty UBC students at bay with moats and walls, all funded out of my own pocket.
Who needs funding when you have Daddy’s inheritance? I probably have more money that any of you have ever seen in your lifetime, hence why I would be the only logical choice for your next SFSS president.
You lazy students are awaiting a saviour, and I promise you that I, Grace N. Howl, will be the one to make SFU great again.
If you need any further reason as to why you should vote for me, Grace N. Howl, to be SFSS president for the rest of eternity, then you clearly need to check your vision. I am the best, I am the richest, and I am immortal, so you don’t need to worry about state funerals anytime soon.
Grace N. Howl
*All documentation has been personally received by Rachel Wong*