Posted in Humour

The un-official trade guide to trivial Etsy treasures

That handcrafted semen-wax candle set will be yours!

croc bath bomb

Etsy is home to spirited crafters everywhere; it’s a site full of artisan homemade items. It’s essentially an online craft fair — the Internet-equivalent to a tent filled with the smell of sandalwood incense and gluten-free brownies. Sadly, all these authentic goods can be hard to haggle for, making the process of obtaining these treasures a convoluted mess of confusion.

Fortunately, The Peak’s got you covered with a useful guide that will help you step up your Etsy bartering game like never before. After you’re through reading this, owning your very own authentic braided baby hair necklace will not be a dream but a reality.

You want to buy:
croc bath bomb
A life size bath bomb replica of an adult male saltwater crocodile:
This lavender based bath-bomb took a team of three herpetologists roughly two years to perfect. The scientific accuracy of this replica of an adult male saltwater crocodile is astounding, right down to the four chambered heart. The chamomile in this 2,200 pound bath bomb will soak you into a coma of drowsy wonder, and the soya milk will invigorate your skin — leaving you glowing as fiercely as the viciously powerful teeth of any member of the family Crocodylidae.”

This can be traded for:
A Kim Jong Un body pillow, a tub of organic glitter glue and several hand-crafted paper mache masks of each of the Von Trapp children from The Sound of Music.

You want to a buy:

monopoly

Customized Monopoly: The CIA Edition board game:
“Who’s your favourite government agency which gathers, processes, analyzes, and records the mounds of information you unknowingly gift them? You don’t know? Well let’s keep it that way!  The classic game of Monopoly is reimagined with a CIA-theme. This innovative board game features a fully blacked out board and set of cards to keep the players unaware, and the paper cash is replaced with a credit card with a budget without oversight! The classic Monopoly tokens are replaced with handmade clay figurines of prominent CIA symbols like blindfolds, Guantanamo Bay prisoners, and unmarked duffel bags full of bribe money! Fun for the whole family!“

This can be traded for:
Homemade gluten-free lipstick made of dead wasps and aged peanut butter, a custom-made embroidered pillow with all 31,102 verses of the Bible (both testaments), and a 1960s struggling jazz musician costume for children aged 10–12.

You want to buy:
crotchless onesie
A handknit crotchless onesie:
“Covering from the top of the head down to your toes, this onesie features a hole for your face so you may enjoy peering into the world and a tasteful crotch-hole for you to enjoy the wind. Featuring a alpaca/wool blend, this onesie caresses the soul and body simultaneously. The onesie is custom-knit, so alternative designs can be made (eg. a fox-themed onesie, a Christmas-themed onesie, a Stephen Harper/Conservative party-themed onesie). This onesie is good for casual weekends spent lounging on the brisk spring beach, family picnics, or formal events like weddings or dinners with your boss.

This can be traded for:

A set of Justin Trudeau party supplies (complete with a game of Pin the Tail on the Prime Minister!),  a uterus-shaped palm stone, and a wedding veil made out of used onion ring wrappers.

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