A recently released anonymous report has suggested that the Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS) has orchestrated the Highland Pub’s ongoing financial worries and recent closure for a secret purpose: seizing the premises for wild ragers in the comfort of their home campus.
The SFSS directors might be straitlaced, hard-working students with a desire to give back to the non-existent community of this commuter campus, but as the report mentions, that reputation comes with a cost: severe repression of the natural human need to get weird sometimes.
“They’re under great societal pressure to maintain squeaky-clean images,” remarked Psychology student, Baz Semke,“who can blame them for resorting to foul play and falsification of documents if it meant finally letting loose the way Blue Mountain State promised they would at university?”
All official documentation indicates that the popular student hangout has indeed been silent and sealed off around the clock. Yet there have been a number of eyewitness accounts of strange goings-on at night, up to and including a competitive dance-off conducted to a remix of “Hotline Bling.”
“I knew the SFSS was responsible right away,” asserted one student. “The glinting of VP Student Life’s distinctive earrings as he moved to the groove was unmistakable to me, even while half-asleep.”
Deepak Sharma, the President of the SFSS, denies all claims of foul play: from rumours of VP Finance faking the Highland’s bank statements to allegations that John Flipse, general manager of the Highland, was baked into a pie and replaced by a suspiciously similar substitute.
“Yes, the pub’s got a nice pool table, and sure, we’ve been tempted to divert funding towards Boozy Fridays. But our little meeting room is our home,” said Sharma. “Besides, if we really cared about the collegiate party scene, we would’ve transferred to UBC or UVic a long time ago.”