Posted in Humour

Students attempt to set up makeshift pub at campus Starbucks

These students tried to put the ‘shots’ in ‘double espresso shots’

Konstantin - Summer 2016 Week 2 - Starbeerks
Image Credits: Konstantin Rabinovich

The closure of the Highland Pub at SFU’s Burnaby campus has truly been a bummer for many students. Those hoping to grab a beer right after a long and drawn-out lecture will unfortunately have to look off-campus instead.

In response, a group of plucky rebels decided to take matters into their own, inebriated hands. In an action worthy of either Occupy Wall Street or Animal House (depending on who you ask), these students hijacked the West Mall Centre Starbucks and made it their makeshift pub.

“They busted through the doors clearly already pretty loaded and just pushed us away from our machines,” recounts barista Eric Davis.

Staff engaged in a brief brawl with the rowdy students before fleeing to alert campus security. Reports suggest the students began attempting to funnel liquor into the various coffee machines, all the while loudly singing along to “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

When campus security arrived on the scene, one of the drunken student leaders tried to start a hostage situation. Using Die Hard’s Hans Gruber as a model, he drunkenly attempted a German accent stating, “Ze hostages. . . [hic]. . . stay with us. . . yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.”

Campus security were having none of it, and stormed into the building with all the finesse of the ATF at Waco. There were bruises, burns, and a few spilt drinks, but the situation was resolved.

Ringleader Frank Beergardener said he was only trying to stand up for alcoholically dependant students’ rights. Folklore about these students’ struggle has sprung up in the aftermath. It is clear that SFU has made a martyr of these men — or at least a grievance that students will get mad about but never actually act on.