Posted in Humour

Amazing Grace N. Howl: 3,000 Miles to Graceland

She ain’t nothing but a howl dog


It’s been a long and tedious few weeks of data entry. Co-op was always advertised as something fun and refreshing, and I feel like I have fallen victim to false advertising. I was more refreshed in my Hellenic Studies lectures than I am here.

So I told my supervisor just that. Either they had to step up their game and give me something more interesting to do, or I would quit. Daddy paid thousands of dollars for me to pursue an education and put it to good use. Daddy would absolutely hate the fact that the City of Surrey was wasting my incredible talent and precious time. After all, I could always wander over to Langley or Coquitlam and put my domination skills to good use there.

But clearly, I was joking. I was only kidding! I was merely practicing my acting skills. But the look in my supervisor’s eyes was just priceless. She shrank back, mouth dropping open. The woman whimpered like a little girl and started nodding vigorously. It was only later that I heard her say to one of my fellow colleagues, “Grace is a monster.”

Monster? Please. I am a graceful butterfly. But I guess my words sting worse than a bee.

My pathetic supervisor finally gave me the big break I was looking for. At first I thought it was a chance to talk to the Big Boss (a.k.a. the mayor), but I was disappointed yet again. I wore my best powersuit and showed up early to the boardroom, only to find my supervisor (who, by the way, was still shaking) and her boss, who is no more than a city councillor. Please. It was almost as if the mayor didn’t have enough time in her day for me, so she sent one of her trolls to sit in and pretend like they have the power. Yeah, right.

But I presented with great confidence and vigour. Like my days in politics, I captivated that boardroom. Instead of calling it Surrey, I told them, “let’s call it Graceland. My daddy has already written out the cheques to buy out every single city building, the transit system, the roadways — everything. Surrey is cool, but Graceland is even cooler. It’s going to be a hipper, trendier city, with Uber. And I will rule over it with an iron fist, kick TransLink to the curb, and make sure that Graceland rocks, so much so that residents of Coquitlam will be paying us money to cross over the Port Mann and visit.

“It’s going to be great,” I told them. But apparently, Graceland exists somewhere else. Who is this Elvis guy, and how dare he steal my city name?!

*All documentation has been personally received by Rachel Wong*