Posted in Humour

Cannibal Student Union gets snubbed by SFSS

“I would eat your hearts if you had any,” says Cannibal Student Union co-president

Image Credits: Konstantin Rabinovich

After many bloody and agonizing weeks, it was announced last Friday that the Cannibal Student Union’s (CSU) application for official registration as a sanctioned club was denied by the Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS). With the club being dubbed “the worst piece of nonsense since the rise of the White Student Union,” the CSU’s rejection of club status has left the majority of students feeling safer in classrooms and hallways.

However, while the issue may seem dead and buried to the SFSS, CSU members are in agreement that this is only first blood in a series of lawsuits to come.

“A lot of people think cannibals are just mindless flesh-eaters, similar to zombies, but that’s only half the picture,” said CSU co-president Nick Carrion.

The club, formed by self-proclaimed student cannibals Nick Carrion and Aaron Karkas, claim that the Cannibal Student Union is dedicated to providing representation and a safe space for self-identifying cannibals on campus.

Carrion has called foul in the past on campus security profiling and fears that he might attempt to murder staff members and students for food.

Karkas took time to reassure The Peak, “I always wait at least until the human being has died of illness or natural causes before I consume them.”

However, the SFSS questioned whether cannibalism was in any way worthy of being condoned. Carrion argued, “Cannibalism has been practiced by cultures in Oceania, Africa, and the Americas — who are we to argue with the morals of ancients?”

When it was pointed out that ancient cultures also approved of human sacrifice, pedophilia, and slavery, Carrion said, “Exactly! That just shows they weren’t confined by today’s prudish social conservatism.”

Needless to say, the CSU’s planned lawsuit will be more of a bloody mess than a meal of liver and fava beans.