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COLUMN | LIST BITCH: Eight times Republicans made me shit myself

You may need a toilet while reading this

LISTBITCH
Image Credits: Alexa Tarrayo

List Bitch is a new web-exclusive column featuring feisty, unapologetic listicles on life. Click here for more, and check back each week for new content!


 

In case you thought having Donald Trump as the prospective nominee is the scariest thing the Republican party has done this year, then think again. These guys are all fucking scary and we should all be afraid. Very afraid. And here’s why.

1) The discussion of Donald Trump’s penis size during the Republican debates (drawn-out and disturbing). Clearly, Republicans need to stop reading Freud and get some real therapy — as if we need a bunch of dicks discussing dicks. That’s exactly why I don’t go to clubs any more.

2) Representative Todd Akin has been quoted saying, “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Legitimate rape, guys. Opposed to what — fake rape? I don’t think I have ever read something that has made me feel quite as murderous as this. Akin should pray he never runs into an angry me on the street. Shit will go down.

3) Virginia’s gubernatorial candidate Ken Cuccinelli wanted to make oral and anal sex illegal. What’s next, dancing? Where’s Kevin Bacon when you need him?

4) Trump proposing to build a wall between the US and Mexico, then saying Mexico will pay for it. That’s like me getting a giant pet grizzly bear for my backyard and saying my neighbours should pay for the fence.

5) Republican Mike Huckabee wrote in his own book that Beyoncé’s music is “toxic mental poison.” If female empowerment and civil rights are “toxic mental poison,” then pass the Kool-Aid. Clearly Huckabee missed the boat on Lemonade or he’d be singing a different tune.

6) In case you weren’t already convinced of the party’s unequivocal hatred of women, Ben Carson had the audacity to publicly compare abortion to slavery. Trust me, you can’t make this shit up (I wish I was lying).

7) Not only are Republicans anti-choice, anti-gay, and seemingly anti-vagina, they are also anti-science. Several Republicans have publicly denied the existence of climate change.

Trump claimed global warming is a mere scam dreamed up by China, while Marco Rubio answers inquiries about climate change with the verbal equivalent of dog shit on your shoes: “I don’t have a plan to influence the weather.” I guess it doesn’t matter that these idiots are allowed to run for president, if there’s no world to live in anyway. Silver lining.  

8) I shit myself with relief that Canada doesn’t have to deal with any of this bullshit; instead we have the prime minister elbowing chests in Parliament while the media has a frenzy.

 

So basically, whether Donald Trump is the presidential candidate or not, America is going to be screwed by Republicans. In the words of Mexico’s former president Vicente Fox, “I am not going to pay for that fucking wall.”

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