Posted in Humour

The best and worst washrooms of SFU Burnaby and Vancouver

Let’s get down to business on the best places to do business

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Image Credits: Alexa Tarrayo

SFU Burnaby and Vancouver have a diverse selection of vicinities for ladies to do the ol’ one and two. Between the surprising number of seemingly un-potty-trained students and explosive water pressures, choosing a bathroom that’s the right fit for you can be tough.

As an experienced explorer of the SFU bathroom landscape, it is my duty to bestow unto you my knowledge of how to best answer the call of nature. You can find the merit of each bathroom expressed as a clear, concise numerical value at the end of each review.

Blusson Hall 9000 and 10000 levels

These rooms are dimly lit, exuding a relaxing and at times romantic atmosphere. Unfortunately, it takes too much muscle power to flush the toilets, and the sinks’ splash-zone radius reaches at least five miles in all directions.

67/100

West Mall Centre women’s multi-stall

There’s a slightly retro vibe at work here, and the bright lighting makes this a great place to touch up your makeup, work on homework, or find salvation. The stalls can be a little squishy, though.

78.3/100

West Mall Centre individual washroom

The ‘60s mod aesthetic of this room is both fun and a little scary. It’s very spacious, but you may get dizzy from the black and white checkered tile design. Pro tip: Do not make this the venue for your next acid trip. It will probably go very wrong.

87.7809/100

AQ 3000 level multi-stall

With this bathroom’s seafoam colour pallette and modern aesthetic, it is definitely in the running for SFU’s best-designed bathroom. Additionally, the rooms are spacious and provide users with excellent acoustics — a very fitting space for jam sessions or choir concerts.

906/100

Harbour Centre 1000 level near-the-study-area multi-stall

Don’t let its normal appearance fool you: this washroom has an average toilet seat splatter-to-non-splatter ratio of 4:2 and faucets that are liable to induce third-degree burns. Its prime location means it is prone to heavy traffic. It is best to abstain from these stalls during rush times — the 20–30 minute mark of every hour — to avoid lineups, accidents, and slippery conditions.

-18/100

Harbour Centre 1000 level near-the-study-area individual washroom

Is there a secret stash of meth hidden within the walls of this room? I’m not sure, but I definitely wouldn’t rule out the possibility. This single room is vaguely reminiscent of the setting of the first Saw movie. Though I wouldn’t recommend it for regular use due to its tense atmosphere, if you’re finding your menstrual cycle to be particularly painful one day and need somewhere to go die slowly on the floor, this place will keep you out of the way of other people.

(-4)(8) + 14×5 + -(7×4)42/100

Harbour Centre 2000 level multi-stall

This one is all white. Rest assured that you haven’t suddenly entered heaven or that white room from 2001: A Space Odyssey, it’s just a really white bathroom. Though there isn’t anything wrong about this one, there isn’t anything right about it either — it completely lacks personality and pizzazz. One might say it’s the plain oatmeal of SFU washrooms.

40π72/100

Maggie Benston down from Higher Grounds multi-stall

This squishy mouse hole can be tough to find and tough to use. I do not recommend it to anyone whose body circumference exceeds seven inches. Do not use unless absolutely necessary.

-6(e)/100

Maggie Benston across from SFU Bookstore multi-stall

Is this washroom even open? I don’t know, but I do know that it wasn’t there for me when I needed it the most, and can therefore deduce that it is unreliable. There is enough room to practice cartwheeling in there, though.

φ/100

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