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Boohoo, Woohoo

OtterBoxes VS Boxes of Otters

Screen Shot 2016-07-08 at 6.04.46 PM

Boohoo: OtterBoxes

Or, more specifically, the stalled potential of the popular cell phone case called OtterBox. Don’t misunderstand: my lavender case is a beloved and key player in the fight to keep my iPhone from befalling the same fate as its poor, traumatized predecessors. But I feel we’ve stopped short of a level of quality to match the exorbitant amounts of cash we invest in our cases.

Why stop at protection in a variety of colours? Why can’t I have an OtterBox modelled after the faces of famous Canadian politicians? What about ones modelled after famous pieces of Renaissance art? When someone cute asks for my number, I want the power to hide my butterflies behind a static Mona Lisa smile.

If you love your consumers, OtterBox — and I hope you do, considering we keep your cushy Colorado-based operations running while eschewing the starving artists producing aesthetically superior knock-offs — then I’d like to request that you please answer to the public’s needs.

Woohoo: Boxes of Otters

It’s 2016, which means yet another year of celebrating cute animal videos and otherwise commodifying living things for our comfort and amusement. It should be no surprise that this is the latest in security measures.

Don’t want your screen cracking? Shelter it in a clump of soft, cuddly mammals. Scared of water damage? Considering the otters will already be fighting over precious aquatic real estate while cooped up in that box, your device likely won’t even be in the running for a turn in the morning shower. Worried that friends will glimpse sensitive texts from your ex about all that stuff you left at their apartment? Your team of waterborne ninjas will guard your secrets as zealously as the SFSS conceals the contents of in camera meetings.

Treat them with love, and when the rest of your squad is too busy to slide into your DMs, you’ll have better friends to keep you company.

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