An SFU committee tasked with determining an alternative mass transit option has forced the school to rethink its current bus strategy because of the cost of fuel, shitty Compass Card U-Passes, and unpredictability under inclement weather.
After reviewing many proposals, the committee finally settled on the next generation of commuting options for the Simon Fraser community. The committee surprised the audience, as the press release was originally supposed to announce a new proposal aimed at increasing community participation in the planning process.
Notable rejects stood out as the committee announced its decision late Thursday evening. Using existing roads and transit infrastructure to create San Francisco-style trolley cars was cited as “pretty lame” by a committee representative, while the oft-mentioned gondola proposal was rejected by the representative for being, in their words, “stupid. Let’s be honest with ourselves. A gondola?”
While many proposals failed to meet the committee’s strict criteria outlined at the beginning of the exploration process, the winning proposal has been met with controversy, given that it was proposed an hour before the announcement.
SFU president Andrew Petter announced the winning proposal as “the best thing I’ve come up with today. It wins.” The project, which has been projected for a 15-year completion time and a cost of $1.8 billion, was described by the committee as a “badass giant walking robot with like lasers or whatever.”
The robot will be able to ferry close to 25 students up to the university every half hour. “Picture it. You’re a new student. SFU. You’re all like, ‘holy shit!’ That’s what I want for this community,” a jubilant Petter exclaimed during the five-minute presentation. He continued on, explaining how the project is part of a larger strategy to attract “those anime kids. Gee whiz, they’re rich.”
The project has been met with controversy, with one critic calling it “the most outrageous thing I have ever goddamn heard of, and that includes that crazy gondola idea the drunk guy said at that one meeting.”
In a bizarre turn of events, the committee attempted to appeal its own decision, to which Petter replied dismissively, “I run this town.” Planning will move ahead as funds will need to be raised immediately to start construction.
The president additionally announced that an online contest open to SFU community members will be held to name the first of the two vehicles, so expect another email spam fest asking for your participation to some survey or whatever. “The winner gets like, an iPad Mini or whatever piece of shit consumer electronic toy is in vogue at the moment,” Petter stated. He continued to explain that “iPad minis are the worst. Not a phone, or a real iPad. What are these kids doing with their lives?”
The bid for the service contract was narrowed down to two finalists. “It’s between Chartwells and TransLink. Hold up. Chartwells wins,” Petter announced, stifling giggles as he cited their excellent service and quality track record. Construction is expected to begin by 2030.