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COLUMN | LIST BITCH: Six ways to not be an asshole this Halloween

It's the last costume you want to be caught wearing

This goes out to those of you who wish to avoid being a fucking dick this Halloween. We are swiftly approaching the time of year when suddenly, the poor, disillusioned public seems to think it’s OK to perpetuate racist, sexist, discriminatory, or otherwise boring ideas. Read on to avoid joining the rest of the predictable assholes.

  1. For the love of God, please do not dress up as Pocahontas if you are not actually of aboriginal descent.

Yes, I understand you love Disney. Yes, I understand Pocahontas was your favourite princess movie when you were a kid. No, I don’t understand why you think appropriating a rich and important culture in such a trivial way is OK. “Sexy” Pocahontas is an entirely other issue on its own — aboriginal women have been oversexualized throughout history, and are three times more likely to be victims of spousal assault. Simultaneously sexualizing a race and appropriating their culture is basically as disrespectful as you can get.

  1. Don’t be that too-cool-for-school human who shows up to a party “ironically” dressed as themselves.

This is neither funny nor cool. At best, it’s a thinly veiled cop-out. At worst, you seem like a pretentious douche who thinks they’re above Halloween or dressing up. You know you want to.

  1. That girl who is rocking a sexy costume is none of your business. Don’t waste your time slut-shaming just because you’re insecure.

It’s a real shame that Halloween is the only time of the year when women feel comfortable enough to dress in outlandish garb without being shamed. Don’t open your mouth about some girl’s costume being “whorish” or any other lame adjective you want to project onto us. Whether someone is dressed in a full-on Big Bird costume, or a slinky maid’s uniform — let us girls have our fun, and take your bitterness elsewhere.

  1. Do not dress up as a killer clown.

This is just mean. I am scared shitless just considering seeing something like this on Halloween.

  1. Don’t dress up as a nun or priest, or as a sexy nun or priest.

That is just icky. The number of Facebook posts I see on Halloween along the lines of “I usually call him Father but tonight I call him Daddy” makes we want to hurl everywhere. Catholicism is a religion a lot of people hold really close to their hearts. Whatever way you spin it, these costumes are just weird.

  1. Don’t be that person who criticizes every girl or guy who shows up in a last-minute or half-assed costume (e.g. army person, cat).

Look, dude, I came here straight from an eight-hour shift. You are lucky I took the time to draw on some whiskers and get some ears. Please let me revel in my mediocre holiday spirit in peace.

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