Let’s say you find yourself inside a horror movie. I know, right? So annoying! There’s the fear, the shouting, the hiding, and additionally, your clothes will be all sweaty and gross from running — it’s super inconvenient. You’re busy! You’ve got tests to ace, video games to play; you want to watch movies, not be in them. So here are some tips on how to die first in a horror movie — so you can get back to the rest of your day.
- Investigate that noise
Go ahead, check out the rustling bush. Strangely inhuman voice beckoning you from an alley? Kid singing a nursery rhyme quietly in a playground alone at night? Footsteps in your house when no one else is home? Go for it! Eyes closed, head first, can’t lose!
- Read the Latin
If you see a creepy book, grab it! Insist on being the first to read it and read the weirdest passage on whatever page you open it to. Be sure to read it out loud — especially if it’s in Latin. Make something up if you like; as long as it sounds super creepy, you’ll be well on your way. Knowledge is power, and hopefully that power has a hunger for human flesh. Your human flesh. Fingers crossed!
- Pick up that artefact!
Did you find an amulet? A weird statuette? A fist-sized stone covered with engraved runes and sticky from fresh human blood? Pick it up. Pick it up right now, and just rub it all over your face. Get as much of that nasty, evil, magical whatever on yourself as you possibly can. Maybe desecrate a grave or something.
- Be mean
Find the nearest nerd and shove them into a locker. Ask someone out to prom and then dump a bunch of pig blood on them. Shout at a puppy. If you can convince the killer that you’re an irredeemable prick, they will likely move you to the very top of their list.
- Drop your glasses
A classic. Just let your glasses fall on the ground and then proceed to crawl around on the floor in an attempt find them. Simple! Pro tip: they don’t even have to be real glasses. Actors use fake ones all the time. This actually makes it easier because you can avoid accidentally finding them. If you hear the crunch of someone stepping on them, then you’re already halfway there!
- Lean up against windows, doors, and thin walls
If your group is in a room that feels too safe, don’t worry! Subtly position yourself with your back up against a window, a door, or anything similar. You’ll be stabbed or yanked through to the other side in no time!
- Separate from the group
There is safety in numbers, so reduce your number to one. Stumble around in the dark. Run through the woods in heels. Turn corners without looking. What I’m saying is that you’ve got a lot of options.
- Be a minority
Harness the power of inherently racist constructs that minimize the value and visibility of racial and ethnic minorities by the largely unquestioned mainstream media industry to work in your favour!
- Don’t have a name
Whether you grew up being called “Tall Barista” or “Student #5” or even “Elevator Scientist,” you’ve got the upper hand already. If you have a weird name based on something you do or what you look like then you can ride that gravy train all the way to the grave. Relax! You’ve got this.
Guaranteed to work. If there’s something all horror movie killers have in common, it’s that they’re total prudes. Dim the lights, put on some music, and you and your partner will be in for some premature exsanguination.