As SFU tuition prices increase whilst course availability plummets to an all-time low, the school’s board of directors has decided that this year, in hopes of repairing a broken system, course enrolment will be done a little differently.
“This year we’re going to have a battle royale to see which students get first priority for enrolling in their desired courses,” said Gordon Myers, SFU’s associate VP academic.
“Now, we haven’t decided if this will be a battle royale like The Hunger Games, or an arena-style battle with a bit more of a Russell Crowe vibe, like Gladiator. The options are open to discussion. Tuition will go up regardless, though. That’s not really up for discussion.”
As for weapons, students are permitted to use whatever they can to “Engage the world,” including but not limited to:
- Short sticks, knives, pencils, fireplace pokers etc.
- Laser pointers
- Textbooks as blunt objects
- Net traps while riding horseback, a.k.a. Planet of the Apes (ape costume encouraged)
“Being that we don’t have a stadium like legitimate schools, this will take place in the AQ, guerrilla-style,” Myers stated. The BC Government announced that it will not permit funding for this event, stating that “We already have our own methodical ways of ruining people’s lives that don’t include fireplace pokers and ape-style combat.”
When asked about whether the event will continue without government backing, Myers responded that “I do believe that this will affect the event as they were our only suppliers of smoke bombs. However, we have received some private funding from companies with vested interest in promotion during the event.
“We are proud to announce that SFU’s Course Selection Battle Royale Extravaganza will be sponsored by Red Bull. This is a wonderful partnership considering the fact that Red Bull is key to the nutritious and balanced diet of the overworked and desperately exhausted SFU student population.”
In terms of how the Course Selection Battle Royale Extravaganza will look, Myers ran us through the layout. “First we’ll have the entire science, technology, engineering, and mathematics students battling it out, and we’ll provide them with lots of funding, but not much protection since they have the natural ability to protect themselves from injury through their own bloated sense of entitlement.
“Afterwards, we will have humanities students battling, but SFU will not be funding the humanities skirmish seeing as their many prospective employers will likely provide the students with the necessary equipment. Besides, SFU funding is stretched as far as it can go.”
When asked for some examples of job prospects for humanities students, Myers held his head under water in the admin hot tub for an awkward amount of time until our reporter left the room.
With the new Course Selection Battle Royale Extravaganza in place, students of SFU can rest easy knowing that they’ll either get into the course they desperately need to graduate, or die a horribly gruesome death by mechanical pencil.