Someone doing the Pottermore Patronus quiz got a rat. That’s like making out with Hermione, but halfway through the lip-locking session the Polyjuice Potion wears off and it’s actually Cornelius Fudge you’re frenching. A tad bit disappointing. So for those of you who got the Fudge end of the stick, grab a quill (sold separately) and discover your true Patronus.
1) Who would you least like to go to the Yule Ball with?
A) A mandrake
B) Death Eater #7
C) Rogue Bludger (robbed of an Oscar for its resolute performance in The Chamber of Secrets)
D) Percy Weasley
2) What is the book you’re currently reading?
A) Perhaps There Could Be Post on Sundays – A philosophical dissection of the drilling industry by Vernon Dursley
B) Squibs Are People Too – A human rights piece by Argus Filch
C) Constant Vigilance – A very uninformative guide to self-defence by Alastor “Mad-Eye” Moody
D) Norris, You Saucy Minx – A Harlequin Romance by Daily Prophet #1 best-seller Argus Filch
3) Which of these would you use to spice things up in the bedroom?
A) Wingardium Leviosa
C) The grease Snape uses for his hair
D) Crabbe & Goyle
4) You’re found most often using . . .
A) Felix Felicis, because weed’s getting pricey, know what I’m sayin’?
B) Avada Kedavra on your social life because you’ve got 48 readings to do. (Fucking Umbridges, all of them.)
C) Obliviate on yourself to forget that guy you hooked up with last night (it was Flitwick)
D) Veritaserum on your housemates to find out who used up all your milk
5) What is your favourite band?
A) The Seven Horcruxes (moody electronic indie rock)
B) Thestrals (all-female heavy metal)
C) Tonkin’ My Lupin (jazz/soul)
D) Lil’ Diggory (hip-hop/R&B)
6) What is your ideal Potter spin-off?
A) Luna Lovegood in the hard-hitting journalistic drama that exposed the Ministry’s cover-up of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks, Not So Loony After All
B) Rubeus Hagrid in the animated comedy, How to Train a Bloodthirsty Hungarian Horntail
C) Cho Chang and Colin Creevey in the tear-jerker, Why Are You Crying in All of Our Photos?
D) The origins story of Professor McGonagall, Step Up: The Gryffindor Common Room
7) What line best describes your sex life?
A) The platform at King’s Cross isn’t the only thing that’s 9 and ¾
B) Don’t worry, I’ll bring defence for my dark parts
C) TROLL IN THE DUNGEON
D) And at that moment, she realized that the Gryffindor Keeper didn’t get his name for his Quidditch abilities
Mostly A’s: The sock that freed Dobby
You’re bit of a legend. If your Patronus can save the greatest house elf from the vitamin D-deficient Malfoys, it’s going to serve you well against Dementors.
Mostly B’s: Neville’s Boggart (a.k.a. Snape in Granny Longbottom’s clothes)
Using humour to confuse a Dementor just might work. (It probably won’t.)
Mostly C’s: A signed version of Year with the Yeti by Gilderoy Lockhart
You’re beyond saving. And you deserve a useless Patronus to convey this. The only thing more pointless to have would be Lockhart himself — he’d try a Memory Charm on a Dementor, which would probably only release a swarm of Cornish Pixies.
Mostly D’s: Moaning Myrtle
Jesus Christ, you’re a miserable motherfucker, aren’t you? Myrtle’s your gal. Never has a sadder string of words been strung in the English language. But hey, at least Dementors are gonna leave you alone. They couldn’t suck the life out of you more than Whiny McGhostface.