Posted in Humour, Top Humour

Who’s your SFSS sweetheart?

Which student representative would you want to be romanced by?

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It’s that time of year again! What time of year you ask? Christmas? No way, you silly son of a pancake-headed fuck. It’s mid November and not Christmas, so please calm your holly-jolly erections. It’s byelection time! Time to be a responsible university student and give a shit about democracy — if only because they control the U-Pass (all hail our glorious U-Pass).

While you should definitely use your big university brain to decide who you’ll support in the SFSS byelection, you should listen your thrumming heart to decide which SFSS cutie you want to get to know better. “ I want to get to know the real you. . . beyond your policies on Build SFU. . . I want to build a little bit of S-F-YOU in my heart!”


Dreamy Deepak

Deepak is nervous, bashful, and eager to please.

He’s a little rough around the edges and definitely does that kind of sad-puppy-dog shit you hate (he hates being in the doghouse and out of the SFSS house) but he really means well and his big eyes will leave your heart fluttering.

While he may not be the most confident guy in the room, he’s honest (to a fault) and just desperately wants to win your heart. If he seems distant at first, that’s ok — he’s doesn’t fully understand the pressure of a relationship (nor the SFSS by-laws) but he’ll come back and woo you way harder than you ever thought possible.

Dream date: Ordering pizza and curling up for a movie on Netflix. After an hour, he’ll work up the courage to hold your hand.

Turn-offs: Expectations. Questions about responsibilities? No thank you.

Dashing Darien

Darien is definitely the bad boy and outsider of the candidates. He’s the Ferris Buller of the trio — a real wise guy ready to whisk you off into a series of hijinks and daring (darien-ing) action ; it’s all in the name, baby. (Your mom wouldn’t approve of him nor his sensual eyebrows, but you live on the edge of danger and ma can’t make all of your dick decisions.)

Behind closed doors though, you can peel the onion that is Lechner’s hard exterior and discover the sweet inexperienced softie beneath his surface of large claims. He may not be everyone’s first choice, but you want to give him a chance since nothing else has worked so far.
This cutie will be as transparent as possible with his feelings for you, whispering sweet nothings into your ear and all the false promises all hopeless romantics love to hear (i.e  attempting to defer the loan of the Build SFU fees).

Dream date: A drive-in movie on his motorcycle, followed by an angry makeout session behind a dumpster. Don’t get distracted by his politics and just enjoy the danger. (Although, he really should be taking a stance on the raccoon problem, because it looks like it’s not just you two who are getting frisky behind the dumpster.)

Turn offs: Lechner’s all about building trust and compassion, but for the love god don’t Build SFU!

Lovely Larissa

Larissa would make your parents proud.

Her grades are good, her hair is impeccable, and she always opens the door for you. Chivalry may be dead, but Larissa’s alive and well, and she’s ready to show you the finer things in life — at the expense of your bank account (by-elections are pricey shit, girl!).

While she’s self-sufficient and never clingy, it can be hard to get her to relax and take her shoes off. Guess you’ll have to take them off for her.

Dream date: A night on the town dressed to impress. You share a bottle of Merlot in the park and watch the city lights twinkle.

Turn offs: Anything dirty. (Like the policies of the SFSS)

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