Ever been on a plane and had a baby cry nonstop the entire flight? Well, those cries may have the intention of bringing you back down to Earth.
Flora Goldenflower may only be three months old, but has the ethical conscience of a hipster who only eats organic and reminds everyone to compost every piece of waste that they create. On a plane ride from her hometown of Vancouver to Prince George, British Columbia, the rumbling of plane engines was a constant reminder of the unnecessary fuel consumption for a one hour flight— she flipped out and lost her shit.
“She is always present during discussions about our carbon footprint and the impact that our activities are having on the planet. We are hurting the Earth with each flight that we take and the massive amount of energy it takes to run machines like planes. This is why I haven’t taken a vacation in fifteen years”, said Cora Goldenflower, Flora’s mum, an active Greenpeace volunteer whose guilt tripping abilities are just as prevalent as her daughter’s.
“Her carbon footprint psyche is incredibly well developed for her age, and she was crying out on behalf of the pain that we are inflicting on the Earth. She is Earth’s angel.”
Complaints from fellow passengers about Flora’s incessant wails only warranted dismissal from her mother, who demanded that they listen to Earth’s cry since it has been ignored for thousands of years.
Furthermore, with each plastic cup or newspaper that was put into plastic garbage bags by flight attendants rather than recycled, Flora’s cries became louder and more shrill; they soon reverberated throughout the entire plane and began to crack windows, triggering the dropping of oxygen masks. One passenger recalled the agonizing flight, “There was no escape from that hippie baby. I don’t want to see a child or a recycling bin for at least a hundred years.”
Upon landing in Prince George, Flora was finally soothed when her mother gave her a compostable pacifier made out of recycled toilet paper. She slept peacefully while her mother handed out flyers to passengers rushing to get off that godforsaken plane about the upcoming Greenpeace rally in Prince George.