Posted in Humour, Spoof

SPOOF: Famous Feuds of 2016

The biggest winners and losers

feuds

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SFU Exams vs. The Snow

What’s this? What’s this? What the fuck is this?! Snow is a big cock-slap in the face, and Metro Vancouver had that frozen dick whap her right on her pink cheeks this winter. SFU felt the whiplash of the cock-slap over the exam period — cancelling and rescheduling a plethora of exams because of the road conditions. The SFU exams tried their best to fight back, but no one gave a shit because what big nerd would try to save exams. That icy cold dick got them walkin’ side to side, because the sidewalks were a fucking sloshy disaster.

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Egg vs. Avocado

The modern piece of art had a burning inner feud in figuring out its identity. “Am I an avocado or an egg?” it asked itself everyday while staring out into the void that is the AQ pond. After years of struggling with this internal split, the piece of art went on a life-changing journey backpacking through India — rediscovering itself along the way. By the end of the trip the piece of art had understood that it identified as neither an egg nor an avocado, but instead, as a hexahedron. Unfortunately, no one has bothered to ask the statue how it identifies, because that would be “too PC” according to right-wing groups on campus, so it just adds its identity to its growing list of fears — alongside being fucked on by horny first-years.

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Student Athletes vs. SFSS

There’s a list of words that’s always fun to use in stories: Heteronormativity, problematic, using horde to describe a group of people. Imagine how delightful it was to cover when a horde of student athletes swarmed the SFSS over their problematic handling of the Build SFU stadium (Heteronormativity will have to wait another day). The student athletes said that it was wrong for the SFSS to cut the stadium with no warning during the exam period on Twitter. The SFSS said. . . well, they need to be better at saying things. This went on for a while with secret meetings, passive-aggressive jabs, and Darien Lechner asking point blank if anyone else thought that Marc Fontaine didn’t really know what he was doing. The Build SFU debacle is far from over, but 2016 is the year where the SFSS turned some of its biggest “yes” votes into their biggest enemies.

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Admin vs. PR

You’ve all heard the story: Nice boy comes to SFU, reveals that he isn’t so nice, sexually assaults multiple students on campus, and is dealt with appropriately by both the school and law enforcement because this is a fucking crime. Oh wait, that isn’t the version you heard? If SFU administration had their way, you would have never heard about it at all. We get it, it’s hard to attract students if you have an alleged rapist on campus. I bet it’s even harder to attract students when your own professors say that SFU administration must be held accountable for their lack of transparency. But hey, at least the gondola idea is out there again, right? And SFU got named the top comprehensive university? Let’s just focus on that because that is the kind of stuff that makes you SFU. Just please ignore the fact that you are nothing but $tudent$ to the $FU administration.

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John Flipse vs. The Economy

If there’s one thing we know about university students, it’s that they hate drinking. They especially hate drinking with their friends, and especially at a place they’re already at. So it makes sense that the pub has lost $3 million over the past eight years. They definitely won’t do it during the summer months, doubly so if you have a nice patio that gets relegated to only being open two months of the year. And if by some miracle you manage to get them into the pub, they definitely won’t want to eat, so don’t bother having the kitchen open the entire time. (And don’t even get us started on expecting your employees to just come back after laying them off for the summer and then being unprepared to handle when they found new jobs.) There’s just no way to fix this! There is literally nothing that John Flipse could do to revitalize the pub. It’s that damned economy, that’s why it’s losing so much money.

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Deepak vs. Deepak

It’s one of the best literary devices of all time: man vs. himself. Deepak Sharma. . . who is he? Does he know? Is he a student president? Just a student? (Survey says: no.) Just someone who got caught in the wrong situation at the wrong time? Maybe none. Does he wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, stare longingly into the mirror and think, “What happened? We had it all.” Of course, the story was then made complete with him running in the byelection. We saw peak Deepak when he asked if any candidate would step down after winning their title. Was this a meta reference, acknowledging that we had a new Deepak? A kind Deepak? A better Deepak? SFU didn’t think so, as he came last in the polls. Maybe 2017 will be the year one side of him takes over, but until then, the enigmatic Deepak vs. Deepak feud was one of the best in 2016.

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