Posted in Humour

SARRS rampages through SFU, start of outbreak could be deadly

No, not SARS, just a bunch of really shitty people who are still a huge problem

Image Credits: Linda Shu

Even though there has been no case of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS) reported worldwide since 2004, there’s a new type of SARRS in town — and it’ll leave you feeling just as sick.

A new club on campus, fueled by the rise of nazis in America as well as the general indecency of people today, is focused on bringing down the “harmful” stereotypes of being white men. They call themselves Students Against Reverse Racism and Sexism (SARRS), seemingly unaware of the disease associated with them.

“It’s been really hard to be a white man lately, and this is supposed to be our chance to be ruining other people’s lives,” said Josh Spencer, the self-dubbed CEO of SARRS. “If you’re going to say that racism and sexism are real things [editor’s note: they are], then obviously reverse racism and sexism are even more real [editor’s note: they’re not] and so we’re just doing our civic duty and making life good for us again.”

When asked about realizing the association that people had between SARRS and the epidemic virus SARS, Spencer said that he felt that SARS was a “historical” term, and that it’s wrong to assume that two things that sound the same are the same.

“SARS with one R is a historical term that is not going to resonate today thanks to unpleasant associations due to it killing a bunch of people back in 2004, and I think that people who say SARRS with two Rs is a whole new kind of thing,” said Spencer.

“We’re not SARS, we’re SARRS!” he insisted, oblivious to the fact that he was just shouting the same thing over and over.

Despite the fact that the club seems like it has been around since forever, they only became official very recently — but that hasn’t stopped them from already hosting events.

Last week, they played Call of Duty for 72 hours straight to raise awareness over the lack of a “Men’s Studies” major at SFU. Yesterday, they had an event where they just stood outside the Women’s Centre and yelled at them for hours.

Many on campus are arguing that groups like SARRS are incredibly toxic to any community, not just a progressive place like a university campus. Those claims have been largely ignored by anyone in power, claiming there should be a wait-and-see approach.

“Look, they’re new, and who knows what they are capable of accomplishing?” argued a university representative, seemingly oblivious that those were the same fears they were dismissing. “We just don’t have enough evidence at this time to say that SARRS is harmful and that we should quarantine to prevent a potential disaster.”

The Peak reached out to multiple people who were opposed to the presence of SARRS on campus, but they almost all said the same thing so it is tough to credit just one person. Basically, they maintained that SARRS was harmful to everyone, there was an overwhelming amount of evidence to support this, and that by ignoring its existence, it gave SARRS free reign to infect as much of campus as they can. [editor’s note: they’re right]

Pressed for a follow-up to these claims, Spencer refused to speak and instead had his press secretary issue the following memo:

“YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SARRS. WE’RE REALLY GREAT! WE’RE DONE HIDING IN THE CORNERS. THERE ARE NO FACTS ABOUT SARRS THAT PROVE THAT THERE IS ANYTHING BAD ABOUT SARRS. JUST NO FACTS AT ALL.”

[editor’s note: there are]   

If you are concerned about the risk of SARRS on campus, The Peak recommends being a decent fucking person and educating yourself on what you can do to help those who need it most right now.   

 

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