Posted in Humour

10 Commuter Archetypes Brought to You By Translink BC

beanpole-ben
Image Credits: Phoebe Lim

 

  • Karma Kathy: Kathy is going to get run over by a bus one day. When she’s riding one, she won’t leave her seat even if a guy on crutches, three clearly pregnant (and possibly contracting) women, and a little old lady with a walker are staring at her.
  • Hubba Bubba Bruce: The worst part isn’t that the bubbles he’s blowing all pop about an inch away from your head it’s that the pinkish wad he’s working on will most likely end up under a seat.  
  • Beanpole Ben: Ben is so tall, he could get into the NBA even if his arms were chopped off. However, Ben decides that instead of holding on to the straps within his reach, he’s going to lean against the entire pole — while all the folks under 4’5” fly from one end of the bus to the other.
  • Tragic Tracy: Tracy is only taking the bus with the rest of the lowlifes because Daddy confiscated her Porsche after she trashed his BMW at a sorority party. Other tragedies which may have befallen Tracy are her allowance being cut or the maid buttering the wrong side of her toast that morning. One thing’s for sure — you’ll hear about it. She’ll be talking about it on her rose-gold iPhone 7, or to her in-person BFF. Loudly.
  • Backpack Barbara: The most important things in Barbara’s life are a chemistry textbook, a bent notebook, a ratty pencil case from the third grade, a half-empty pack of gum, her water bottle, and a tampon. This is why her backpack gets its own seat.  
  • Snacking Sam: Sam knew that he would get hungry on the bus, so he packed a lunch, being the bright boy that he is. Unfortunately, Sam’s palate prefers egg salad, tuna, brown bananas, raw onions, and other foods that stink up the entire bus. Hazmat suits not provided.
  • Pizza Pierre: This here is Sam’s cousin, but on the other side of the spectrum. His snack smells like what holding a puppy feels like. He’s got Chinese food, fresh tomato sauce on homemade pasta, freshly baked cookies, or gooey, cheesy pizza. You, on the other hand, haven’t eaten in 10 hours and still have two hours to go before you can get home and devour your entire fridge.
  • MacBook Marie: As the 145 barrels down Burnaby Mountain, hitting every pothole in the province, Marie is living the life. In one hand, a cup of coffee — on her knees, a MacBook Air so brand spanking new it still shines. Around her, fellow students anxiously wait for the bus to suddenly brake to avoid smacking into a deer, and for that $1,000 to crash into the cold, sticky ground.
  • Seventh Grade Sarah: Sarah and five of her closest friends have never taken the bus before, but are sporting high heels and tiny purses for the occasion. This is their first dip into adulthood. Run, Sarah — it’s a trap! Taxes are coming.
  • Germy Gerry: Did he just sneeze in his hand and then wipe it on the ratty blue seat? Yes. Yes he did.
  • Open-crotch Ollie: Ollie has the most important penis in the world. Somewhere in there is the genetic code of the lucky swimmer that will one day grow up to cure cancer. So it’s not that he will not close his legs to give you space, it’s that he can’t. As a public service, of course. 
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