To whom it may concern,
I am writing this letter to warn you about the hidden danger for college students all across this great nation: the scourge of alcohol. It is a terrible epidemic that is distracting all students from their true purpose of academia and scholarly pursuits.
Every day approximately half a million students consume the devil’s juice, bringing them closer to death. They become more promiscuous; they make odd, peculiar decisions — taking part in huge “ragers,” ceremonies in which they summon satanic anger to commit acts of debauchery. It affects the wildlife as well. The racoons that inhabit Simon Fraser have been observed to be extremely intoxicated while digging through the garbage, and it has been shown that being on this campus has driven them to the drink.
Do not fret if you are down this path; there is still time to change. Take joy in the fact that you are going to a school that has no mould problem, and one where alcohol is very much restricted. Be blessed that in your current position, alcohol can be avoided — simply by blocking out all negative thoughts and going to a place where you forget about all your schoolwork and responsibilities. Resist the temptation to use alcohol to have fun — the joyous rides up and down Burnaby Mountain on the 145 are all you need.
Yours in life,
Nicholas Geoffrey Bondi