Posted in Humour

First Kisses

Romance stories of young, disgusting love

Image Credits: Anastasiia Sergeyenko

She sneezed in my mouth

“I thought she’d really like my newest bottle of AXE body spray. She thought I knew that our school forbade it in the hallways because of her. It was like the blitzkrieg of snot rockets and my esophagus was ground zero.”

 

His fuckboy pout interfered

“It just wasn’t a geometrically stable operation, you know? As hot as he was, that thing on his face was contorting in some funky directions thanks to iPhone camera withdrawal. And those beady little squinty-eyes he was making left me uncertain of whether or not he could actually see whom he was kissing. I mean, I made it work, but then I realized that despite his Instagram fame, he didn’t even understand basic photo composition so that was the end of that.”

 

He tasted like vape

“I felt fireworks, but not in a good way. Did you know there are over 7,700 flavours of e-liquid now? It’s like Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavoured Beans, except all of them are fucking gross and you feel like you’re in hell as the mist slowly engulfs your dignity. Anyway, he’d been holding in a fat cloud and just let it all go inside my face. Long story short, I still can’t use Windex without crying.”

 

He started mouthing the lyrics to “Blurred Lines”

“I was strangely aroused, but only because the way my lips kept being pulled open and shut reminded me of my recently-divorced orthodontist, and how much his equipment reminded me of spider gags. It wasn’t until we got past the chorus for a second time that I snapped out of it and realized that Robin Thicke was poisoning yet another relationship with his disgusting sexist lyrics. Add in the way this boy kept knocking his teeth against mine, I clearly needed to get a couple of adjustments done.”

 

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