Washington, DC (Feb. 2020) — It has been less than 100 days of the Yeezy presidency and there has been no shortage of criticism for the Rapper-in-Chief. From organizing the most elaborate inauguration with a hanging stage in front of Capitol Hill, to completely redesigning White House staff uniforms to look like Yeezy season seven, his presidency has been a real rollercoaster. Now that the dust has settled though, it’s time to take a look at the people who will be supporting him in his cabinet — because as Yeezy himself has said, “No one man should have all that power.”
Vice-president : Jay-Z
Jay and Kanye have a storied history together. Kanye got his first start producing some songs for Jay-Z back in the early 2000s, the two collaborated on the album Watch the Throne, and Kanye is constantly making a mess when showing himself to be the ultimate stan for Jay’s wife. (She’s just an up-and-coming artist from Houston named Beyoncé.) Like Joe and Barack, Kanye is a Barack just looking for his Joe, and he thinks Jay is his “Only One.”
Secretary of State: Rihanna
This Island Queen is already an international pop star so she’s got the global vibe down. She’s bold and doesn’t take crap from anyone, which means that she’ll be great during those long international negotiations. Plus, since she’s featured in “Famous,” she’s clearly down to ride with Kanye — even in the midst of controversy.
Secretary of the Treasury: Kris Kardashian
Kris is the mastermind that turned a sex tape into a multi-billion dollar family industry, so it’s safe to say she knows how to make #BANK. She’s also Kanye’s mother-in-law, so he’s just trying to make sure that Christmas dinner isn’t too awkward.
Secretary of Defence: Taylor Swift
Taylor has always been on the defensive when it comes to Kanye. With the VMA incident and the “Famous” fiasco as examples, she’s always had a great knack for protecting herself while maintaining her squeaky clean image. Let’s just hope there are no officials with Snapchat accounts in the Pentagon.
Secretary of Agriculture: Snoop Dogg
I mean, we all know he cares about green things. . . It just makes sense.
Secretary of Education: Chance the Rapper
Kanye has always had a special place in his heart for Lil Chano from 79th. As a musician,Yeezy wanted Chance to sign with him, but he was turned down. . . until now. As the secretary of education, Chance will make sure funding of the arts stays in schools, but he’ll also make sure they have a comprehensive education on drugs — themed on his second mixtape Acid Rap.
Despite the nonsensical appearance of this cabinet, all of these people very clearly have way more experience in these areas than their previous counterparts. In the meantime, I’m gonna go stand in line for the next Yeezy launch so I can have shoes wear to the inauguration.