Posted in Humour

SFU hires “Campus Mom” to deal with whiny student population

Official teaches students how to stop being such childish shits

Meet Chris Cardashian. She’s fearless, she’s cool, she doesn’t get enough sleep, and she tells students to shut the hell up every ten minutes. She’s the one and only SFU Campus Mom.

Hired by SFU to give students a “reality check as real as the feels from SFU Confessions” (which was the first requirement of the job description), Cardashian deals with whiny students and first world problems on a daily basis.

“I don’t know how I haven’t lost my shit yet,” Cardashian said as she patted a wailing 18-year-old on the back of his backwards baseball cap. She often pacifies students who get ticketed for treating the mountain as their personal racetrack as they zip through the road in their Ferraris, or students who skip class for half the semester and cry about failing their final.

Cardashian admitted that the job was thankless,especially since she doesn’t actually get paid. Instead, the university sends a certificate of recognition every month for her “engaging achievements.” This certificate often comes right before she gets charged for tuition for no apparent reason.

“But it’s all worth it in the end as I actually make students realize that they need to bust their ass before they end up jobless in the real world. I mean, they’ll end up in that position anyway, but they don’t need to know that until they’re older,” she said.

When asked why she doesn’t attend university classes herself, Cardashian admitted that she had tried to apply for maternity leave in order to go to class in the past, but was forced to go back to work almost immediately because another student had been added to her childcare list. Shocker, her workplace apparently has no idea how maternity leave works.

But Cardashian takes it all in stride and has recently stocked up on a lifetime supply of tissue boxes for students who wonder why the hell they even want a degree. Her biggest lesson for her kids? “I teach them not to give a fuck.”