- Need a way to get out of those family dinners? You know, the ones where you have to tell your family that you’re still single and even when I do find someone, it won’t be a boyfriend Aunt Marge, damnit. Come to our weekly pub crawl instead! Email Adam, Eve, or Steve for tickets. Must be 19 years of age. Minors are invited to pretend to be attending a benefit concert for smallpox victims while playing Mario Kart in Jordan’s basement instead. Their moms will bake vegan cookies and provide juice boxes.
- Brenda will be hosting a training session for all of the Bathroom Decoys. If you aren’t familiar with the program, Bathroom Decoys are cisgender volunteers who pull fire alarms, burst into spontaneous tears, stage fist-fights, and generally cause commotions to allow our trans and nonbinary brothers, sisters, and siblings to use the bathrooms of their choice without causing a stampede of alarmed Straights and PTA moms. Easy and fun way to get involved — especially if you have a background in musical theater! (Which, don’t lie, you all do).
- Friendly reminder to all lesbians that we will be holding our Spring Equinox Evening of Witchcraft. Please do your best to come as we will need optimum attendance for the Mother Goddess to rise. Laura is in charge of snacks afterwards, so please forward all dietary restrictions to her.
- Join us for book club at 2:00 p.m. in the Forum Chambers. This week, we’ll be discussing homoerotic subtext between Remus Lupin and Sirius Black in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
- Asexuals will be taking advantage of their complete social invisibility and lack of recognition to rob several banks throughout the city between 11:30 p.m. and 2:14 a.m. If things go south, all flamboyant community members will be asked to provide alibis.
- We’re giving away a pair of tickets to Phantom of the Opera on Broadway! Enter your name in our lottery before Wednesday for an all-expense paid trip to New York City where you’ll also get to meet Neil Patrick Harris!
- Pansexuals will be happy to know that Stokes is hosting a one-day only sale! Additionally, we will be on location distributing coupons to maximize savings.
- Stop by study room 80085 for a button-making session. Pins are the most pacific way to truly convey all your anger and rage while remaining passive-aggressive and not getting into it with Grandma.
- Friday is movie night! This week we’ll be screening Moonlight. As always, there is no dress code, though we will be giving prizes for the comfiest pyjamas, most original couple costumes (polyamorous couples welcome and encouraged), glitteriest individual, and best drag.
- The bus for our annual Conversion Tour leaves at 6:00 a.m. sharp! Don’t dally or you may be left behind! This year’s tour will hit 15 churches, three soccer clubs, and 12 elementary schools in hopes of converting 1,300 straights! This is our most ambitious tour goal yet, and it’s not too late to sign up if you, too, want to destroy family values across the country! If you need a ride to the bus station, Dave has two spots left in his van.
- Ted and Jim are getting married on June 6 and all gays in the Greater Vancouver Area are invited! Please RSVP as soon as possible.
- You only have one week left to submit your teams for Bowling for Bisexuals, our monthly celebration of swinging both ways. Please make sure to also select a team captain, name, and cheer. Bowlers may play for more than one team.