Posted in Humour

Ask Dr. Daeff

The answers to all your burning pet questions!

Image Credits: Cora Fu

Dear Dr. Daeff,

My dog has been extremely horny lately. Whenever I turn to look at him, he’s humping everything in sight. First it was my furniture, then it escalated to my kitchen utensils, and now it’s my leg. He’s doing just dandy getting off, but I can’t get him off my leg! What should I do?

– Humped-Out Henry


Dear Humped-Out,

Looks like your pooch is giving leg day a whole new meaning! Either get him a girlfriend or get the procedure done to cut his balls off — both methods work.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Daeff


Dear Dr. Daeff,

Across the United States, more than 41,000 cows are killed every year. Without any painkillers, these cows have their hides skinned and their meat made fit for human consumption. Even cows who are pregnant suffer the same inhumane treatment. We thus ask, how could one turn a blind eye to the mistreatment of these animals? How could we let them suffer in this monstrous way? [this letter went on for a good twenty pages, I could’ve made a novel out of this thing]


Dear PETA,

I actually treat cows, bitch. Why don’t you moooove on and send your letters elsewhere?

Check where you’re mailing your shit,

Dr. Daeff


Dear Dr. Daeff,

I am rather concerned about my turtle. As of two days ago, he was moving very slowly out of his tank. He also sometimes ducks into his shell — I think he is developing social anxiety. I have stayed up tossing and turning, worried sick about his health. Please help him, Doctor, I think he is dying!

– TurtleGirl56901


Dear TurtleGirl,

I am very glad that you wrote to me. Your turtle has a severe case of lazyritis, and if left untreated, it can cause permanent reliance on living in its owner’s basement tank and even unemployment. Make sure that you place your turtle on a treadmill twice a day to get his ass in gear and combat the millennial genes that are overtaking his body.

Slow and steady never wins the race (the moral of that story was BS),

Dr. Daeff


Dear Dr. Daeff,

This is just a minor thing, but I wanted to check in with you just in case. My cat has just undergone a recent change in personality. She is constantly hissing and throwing litter into my face. Yesterday,  when I came home from work, I saw that she was dressed in a dark cloak and had formed a circle with several other cats. They were chanting “Satan is the true king” and “the humans will serve us” as they threw my belongings into a fire. I also wake up with scratches all over my arms and stomach all the time.

I’m sure that this is nothing to be worried about but I just wanted to know if there was anything I could do for her?

– Kool Kat Lover


Dear Kool Kat Lover,

Nope, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with your cat. I hope you took a video of that cat circle because that sounds hella awesome.


Dr. Daeff