Tanning on the 95 B-Line
Start and end your day the right way by absorbing some Vitamin D en route to school. Lie on your back — because taking up multiple seats for no reason but your own pleasure is a staple of taking busses in Vancouver — and absorb the sunny personalities of your pissed-off and piss-drunk fellow commuters as they cuss you out. If you learn to photosynthesize like a plant, maybe you really can turn over a new leaf this semester and actually attend all your classes.
Skinny dip in the ocean of intersession readings
After getting your melanin on, it’s time to mellow out and cool down. Dive into the salty depths of academia: chapters assigned by a professor who wishes they were sunning in the French Riviera. As the cold and unfeeling papers brush up against your esophagus, you will suddenly realize that the lack of fluid surroundings means that gravity will overcome buoyancy and that you are actually going to drown. At least you’ll be swallowing something in the absence of the SFSS’ food and beverage services, even if it’s inedible and about to destroy your lungs.
Paying for room service in lecture via your iClicker
How do you unlock this special function? Call a pizza delivery place on your cell, and after they cluelessly barge into the hall, hand them your clicker as payment. They can probably flip it on the black market for three times the cost of your pie. It’s not like you have any money left to pay for food the normal way since you’ve been forced to purchase all this extra crap to prevent automatically losing ~10% of your final grade. If your prof has something to say about this and you feel extra bitter, tell him it’s the circle of life — and it’s coming for him next.
Use your tears to transform Burnaby campus into a water park
Gather as many friends as you can, and after strategically positioning them throughout the school, combine your existential angst and disappointment with failed midterms into a series of interconnecting rivers that will terminate at the base of the mountain. Free and wholesome fun for everyone! This has the added side-effect of banishing all your smart classmates from the school in the flood, meaning the bell curve just might be ever in your favour for once.