The one who got away (probably for a good reason)
“Achy Breaky Heart” – Billy Ray Cyrus
The song says it all. “Don’t tell my heart/My achy breaky heart” that we’ve broken up because “I just don’t think he’d understand.” You let this one go, and while you might still think they’re your first love, the fact that they’re even on this list means you’re better off. Let the flame die, and hopefully this song will follow suit.
The one who couldn’t keep it in their pants
“Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” – Trace Adkins
For those who don’t know the lingo, a honky-tonk is basically just a country music bar and a “badonkadonk” is a fine ass. This was the one who couldn’t keep their wandering eye under control. You deserved to let them go. They belong in the trash, just like this song.
That fling you wish you could forget
“Cruise” – Florida Georgia Line
Honestly, you’re probably thinking that you wish you could just forget Florida Georgia Line entirely. I hear you. This is a safe space. Tell me all about the shame and embarrassment you feel for having this in your sexual history. You’re not the only one. Let it out.
The one you left for being too immature
“Mean” – Taylor Swift
At first you might think this applies to that elementary school fizzle that maybe ended with a kiss at most and a punch to the nose at best. Sadly, that’s not the ex I’m talking about here. In this scenario, Taylor Swift is your ex, and she knows she’s got no actual complaints against you. This is her time to rant and complain with third-grade-quality adjectives and about as much complexity as her hair colour. Let this one roll right off you; you don’t need this negativity in your life.
The one who wasn’t secure enough in their own masculinity
“I’m Still a Guy” – Brad Paisley
Methinks your ex doth protest too much. Do you actually believe they can be trusted with a gun, let alone your beautiful self? No way. Anyone who has so much internalized hatred that they need to call a perfectly innocent dog a “sissy” and hate on some men who seem to understand the word “no” is someone with whom you don’t need to waste your time.
Breathe, you lovely soul, because the great news is that these assholes are exes. Find yourself a more deserving recipient for your love and affection or I’ll have to make a list about you.