The Peak

Leave Pat Robertson alone

By Graham Templeton

“Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III, and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you will get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, ‘okay it’s a deal.’” — Pat Robertson

Let’s put aside, for a moment, the hilarity of hearing an old fool like Pat Robertson saying “true story,” after talking about a pact with Satan the Devil, and let’s also put aside the rather emotional nature of the tragedy about which he’s speaking. Pat Robertson, long-time favorite liberal punching bag, has ignited that powder keg of liberal self-righteousness once again, and ‘lo, the interwebs did tremble.

Whether on Youtube, or Facebook, or Twitter, everybody seemed to want to express their disgust at the hateful nonsense of that wrinkled old simpleton. I certainly enjoy a good lunatic-roasting, and Pat Robertson is as deserving a target as you’re likely to find, but most of the people who are doing the criticizing can’t legitimately complain; most of his attackers are being enormous hypocrites.

This is a feature of modern religiosity in general, this shamelessly á la carte approach to the revealed wisdom of The Lord. When your religion is at best a social tradition, and at worst a defiant fashion accessory, it makes sense that you’d want to shape it to fit your modern needs, rather than accept it as it was created, in the minds of ancient quasi-savages.

When Sean Hannity, that dogma-addled lard-ass, claims that he doesn’t agree with Robertson’s “assessment,” just who the hell does he think he’s talking to? Does he think his audience has forgotten his self-proclaimed love of the Bible? John Stuart calls himself a Jew, and no doubt his penis has endured a certain hazing for the privilege, so where is his acknowledgement that all this “pact with Satan” business is rooted in his holy book, and its Christian derivations?

It was Dutty Boukman, a man with a name predestined to make him either a revolutionary leader or a prop comic, who sparked the slave revolt that freed Haiti from French oppression. And oppression it was, and good on ol’ Dutty for doing it.

However, what’s often forgotten is how he went about inspiring the Haitian people: he was a vodoun priest (read: hoodoo holy man) and started the famous Ceremony at the Bois Caiman, which foretold (read: started) the uprising, and consisted of much primal dancing, and the sacrifice of a pig. That’s all fine, and if it led the newly empowered slaves to put burning tires in some uncomfortable places, well, the cynic in me feels that that also seems to border on justice.

But can you really blame the superstitious Christian slave-holders for labeling the whole thing as devil-worship? Pat Robertson didn’t make this stuff up out of thin air — other people made it up out of thin air. People the overly religion-friendly history books would call “noble missionaries” made it up out of thin air. Pat Robertson is just a follower, and if you accept the preconditions of his argument (that God exists, that the Bible is pretty great, et cetera . . .) then his conclusion is entirely sound.

When Jerry Falwell or the Westboro Baptist Church claim that the Bible tells us that “God Hates Fags,” and that disasters like Katrina are punishment for flaming gayness, they are correct. If that collection of primitive fables we call the Old Testament is actually the revealed word of God, then they are right, and so is Pat Robertson. I happen to think they’re all absolutely insane, myself, but that’s just it — I think they’re absolutely insane. I don’t agree with their premise, and then deny their very logical conclusions. I don’t claim to be a “very spiritual person,” then turn my nose up at an honest following of the texts.

Now, I’m not an idiot. I understand that for most people, religion is just a nice security blanket, and really, the last thing I want to do is force moderate Christians to accept all the hateful nonsense of the Bible. If they want to create a kinder, gentler sort of Christianity, really, that’s a pretty good (if intellectually bankrupt), goal to have.

But it is genuinely frustrating to see self-proclaimed Christians support gay marriage and the right to worship Satan, the practice of premarital sex, and the right of a woman to demand a divorce. These are all great things, but they exist in our culture in spite of religion, not because of it.

Come on over to the atheist side, or at least go hang with those agnostic sissies. You can call Pat Robertson a fuck-face, and feel no cognitive dissonance — for us, it just feels good all over.