Humour

Stuff we hate

By Various

Skinny bitches

I am sick of these skinny bitches hogging (!) the machines at the gym. No matter what time I go, there always seems to be a ridiculous line up to use any of the machines. While I’m sitting there pretending to stretch, girl who weighs about as much as my pinky continues to do virtual laps on the treadmill, getting smaller with each passing minute. The time elapsed on the treadmill she’s on reads: six hours, 42 minutes.

— Sogol Mousavi

Technologically inept profs

Okay, so you showed up for class, and you’re ready to get started. There’s just one little hiccup: the arranged marriage of Professor and Microphone. Oh man, are you ever in for a long ceremony. The struggle of wits that ensues with the first, “Can you hear me in the back?” is nothing if not epic. The creases in your professor’s face are bulging with desperation and impatient fluids. The tension is rising! Who will come out victorious in this battle? Turning on a mic is hard times . . .

— Delani Valin

Roommates

The trash bin is full already? Oh man, you took it out, like, last month, it can't be your turn again already, can it? Nah, just carefully place your empty coffee cup on top of the already-overflowing, teetering tower of waste ready to crash down at any moment. I’m sure this problem will take care of itself, it always does. Besides, it’s two in the morning and you have some Xbox 360ing to do. What a perfect opportunity to test out your new Dolby 5.1 Surround Sound speaker system. Your roommate won’t mind — he loves to thump on the wall to let you know that he’s into what you’re playing. This apartment is the best.

— John Morrison III

Chatty Cathies

What gives people the impression that complete strangers want to hear their phone conversations? I don’t give a shit that little Maggie had a hard time waking up, or that you want tomato puree for dinner. I care even less that your husband left his beard trimmings in the sink this morning. Not only do you seem like an inconsiderate douche, your hands-free Bluetooth device makes you look like a douche. Do everyone else a favour and start sending text messages.

— Bea Kinsey