Humour

Where not to pick up women

By Erik Dickson

ST. CATHARINES (CUP) — It’s getting close to Valentine’s Day, and you’re single. You have February 14th circled on your calendar every year, right? As we all know, it is not the kind of day you want to spend alone. Finding that special someone to cozy up with is a tough task these days — I blame the economy.

Fear not; what follows is a guide for meeting your next Romeo or Juliet (just the cheesy shouting-from-a-balcony part, not the tragic poison-yourself-and-die part). For me, I’ve learned that where you go to meet your next boyfriend/girlfriend is directly linked to the success/failure of the relationship that follows. So I present to you, a guide to where not to meet potential mates.

A fair warning: I must state that while I am not an expert on these matters, I do claim to be. This is also just my opinion. That doesn’t mean that you’re wrong if you disagree with me, it just means you’re probably not right.

The bar I know what you’re thinking, I must be crazy. Nope. I’ve heard enough horror stories of awkward mornings after and I’ve seen too many girls in cocktail dresses at 10:00 a.m. doing the famous “walk of shame” to think for a second that a bar is a good place to meet a potential girlfriend. Call me a pessimist, but I just can’t agree that an environment at which you claim to be “just there to dance” and sing along with “You Shook Me All Night Long” is really a breeding ground for a stable, long-term relationship.

Getting food after the bar

Look, I love a good 3:00 a.m. post-bar snack as much as the next guy. I swear, the steak-poutine wrap seems like a good idea at the time. Let’s be honest though, you must resist that puppy-like attraction that comes along with seeing the perfect combo of shredded cheese and gravy glisten on a stranger’s lips from across the room. No matter what anyone tells you, it doesn’t taste as good coming up as it did going down.

Parties

Following similar logic as bars, you probably won’t find that special someone after getting your 10 bucks worth of the cheapest beer that was available on two days’ notice. Maybe I’m wrong, but the person you teamed up with to play beer pong may not be the type of person you want to bring home to meet grandma and grandpa.

Residence

First-years: this is crucial! The chances of your soul mate being assigned to the same floor as you in residence are pretty slim. Everyone who has lived on campus can provide an example of a time when two people hooked up over the course of first year and had to deal with the terrifying awkwardness every day. The same is true of neighbours off-campus. No matter how drunk you thought the other person was, one day you’ll pass each other in the hall and it will all come flooding back.

So there you have it, folks. Take my tried and tested advice and you can avoid the worst places to meet a potential mate.