The Peak

Fiona First-year and the Rules for Romping

By Kelly Thoreson

You may be under the impression that residence at university involves a lot of socks hanging on doorknobs and reckless nookie. If you live in one of the residences at SFU, however, you will understand that this is not the case — freshmen girls are really much more PG than you might have anticipated.

This doesn’t mean that nobody gets laid in first-year. In general, you could attribute most of residence’s sexcapades to couples who are regularly getting it on, not one night stands picked up at the pub. There are a few guidelines and tips, however, for both couples and randoms alike, when it comes to sexing in Rez.

The Walk of Shame is certainly an aspect of campus coitus that students should keep in mind. You can always spot the girl with smudged eyeliner and heels from the night before speed-walking to the nearest bus stop, eager to shower off the night’s dirt and sweat. The morning after Halloween is a particularly good day to spot shame-walkers, still half-costumed from the night before.

How to prevent being spotted and accused of having sex? (Embarrassing for everyone, I know.) The most important thing to remember is always to wash the makeup off your face and tone down the sex-hair. Leaving an extra set of clothes at your boyfriend’s house might also alleviate some awkward 8:00 a.m. bus rides in your leather mini skirt.

It is not only after the act is completed that you could be suspected of intercourse, though. Your neighbours in residence may also be horrifyingly conscious of your humping during the deed. In order to spare their sanity — or, at the very least, ensure that they aren’t picturing you naked — there are a number of things to take into consideration.

First, familiarise yourself with the acoustics in residence. There are more echoes than in an empty gymnasium; anyone who walks past your room will hear the groans of pleasure (faked or not) and the thumping of your plastic twin mattress against the wall. A solution to this problem could be to simultaneously play too-loud techno music in order to mask your thrusts with a phat beat. Who knows, maybe it’ll even turn up the romance?

One thing you should definitely not consider doing is having sex in the showers. First of all, it doesn’t matter if it is a co-ed bathroom, your neighbours will know that their hygiene facilities have been contaminated when you both exit the shower stall out of breath and giggling together. Second, the bathroom also carries noise to the whole floor — most importantly, right into your Community Advisor’s room across the hall. This is generally something to be avoided, as shower sex is frowned upon by all.

This doesn’t mean you should be scared of your CA, however. If anyone should know about your on-campus canoodling, it is them — and, unless it is causing a disturbance, your intercourse is certainly not “against the rules.” He or she can, in fact, be a useful resource to consider when in a vulnerable situation. CAs on-call carry condoms in their backpacks, and are required to deliver them upon request to any students “in need.” Talk about being serviced.

So whether you are having an intimate hour with your partner, a quick three minutes with your booty call, or a hardcore night of humping with a girl whose last name you still haven’t figured out, take these guidelines into consideration.

It is for everybody’s benefit that your sexing isn’t thrust upon your unsuspecting neighbours. Insert it gently into their lives, and don’t forget to respect their feelings.