Humour

Tips for scoring a valentine

By Colin Sharp

The most romantic time of year is almost upon us, so if you’re single you best get your shit together. I don’t care if your girlfriend dumped you at your mother’s funeral, stop trying to make me feel sorry for you. Just because you don’t have any game doesn’t mean I’m about to hop on the sympathy train.

Don’t get smart with me. I’m aware that almost a year ago I wrote a column that contained the phrase “couples are a pervasive threat to the emotional stability of all us normal single people”. But that was when I was single. If you were looking for a non-hypocritical, consistent point of view, then perhaps you shouldn’t be looking in a student newspaper. Now listen up so you can score yourself some V-Day tail.

1. Pick your target

My dear friend you are on a very short timeline. You need to pick wisely. Quite simply there is not enough time to swing and miss, so set your sights on someone vulnerable. A girl may feel this way for a multitude of reasons. Try finding one who just failed a mid-term, just broke up with her boyfriend, or maybe just someone that vaguely reminds you of that Kristen Stewart from the Twilight motion pictures.

2. Plan a chance encounter

Now that you have that special someone in your sights, figure out a nice spot where they tend to be and show up unexpected. That way you can run into them. I suggest full speed. Ideally this results in both of you lying on the floor with at least one of you bleeding.

3. Practice first aid

Now she’s vulnerable and injured, time to strike. Quickly tend to her wounds. After noticing that her ankle is starting to swell up, grab some ice, rip your shirt off, and affix the ice to her with the shirt. This will show that you care. Specifically, it will show that you care about her seeing how jacked you are. And since you’re just slightly sweaty from running around before you hit her, she will totally be in the bone zone.

4. Offer her a ride

You have left this poor girl injured and now she’s supposed to walk home? Man up, good sir. Offer her a ride home lest she end up slowly pulling herself along the ground like an extra in Platoon. Get her comfortable in your car and just let some nice mellow mood music set the tone. I suggest something subtle like “I Want Your Sex,” by George Michael.

5. Whip it out

She wants you at this point, and it would be entirely cruel of you not to give her what she’s after. So unzip and let her have it. Remember that you still need this girl for Valentine’s Day, so can’t give her the main course — just give her a little taste of everything. You’re currently showing her the trailer for the feature film opening her heart February 14.

There you go. You’ve got a valentine! You are guaranteed to have a date on the big day if you go through with this. Don’t worry about having to stay at home, eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey, watching old re-runs of Yes Dear, and passing out in your snuggie.

Come to think of it, that actually sounds like a perfect night. Why do you need to get a date? If you still need a date come the big day we can just trade spots for the evening. Just let me know what your plan is.