The Peak

The ins and outs of being a mack

By Noel Carbello

Yo! It‘s your boy, N — the panty rippa, get the girls mo quicka! — if you don‘t know me you‘ve probably seen me, your boy with the backpack, cellphone, and dazzling grin! Now I don‘t usually do this word thing too much but I gotta say, a lot of you been hitting me up asking: “Hey Noel, how do I do what you do and like, break out of this dating funk!?“ First off, thanks; I mean, you can‘t be like me, but you can get yourself a lady and get you happy in less time than it took me to write this article. Now, everyone‘s got their problems, — even I got like 98 or 100 or something — but that‘s life! What I‘m gonna try to do is answer some of the most common things I hear while talking to you guys at the pub, in the halls, at the urinals, you know, wherever. And if you listen, pick up your attitude, pick up some girls, maybe pick up your grades in the process (I help people), you won‘t be nearly me but, you‘ll be a step closer, and that‘s pretty fucking grand. Here we go.

Problem: I‘m in university and I‘ve never dated, I feel like the only one!

First off, stop it. All that weird shit you‘re doing, you gotta take a big pair of scissors and cut it all out. You should always be yourself, except when yourself is pretty lame and you‘re what, 18 at least? Come on buddy, come on. Don‘t worry though, we‘re gonna aim you towards a slightly lower-quality product, but one who, you know, can still eat and walk and all that other stuff on her own.

Also, you need to go spend about half a bill on a haircut, anywhere downtown will work. Now I‘m a hair paste kinda guy, keeps everything where it needs to be and at the end of the day, you can still fix it up if you mess it up, you know. And really, make sure you aren‘t using a two-in-one shampoo, that stuff‘s garbage. After that, you gotta step up your threads: labels, labels, labels. You‘re gonna need shirts with words broken where wo rds do n‘t br eak, that‘s what‘s up. Jeans need to be ripped or faded or stained or just generally fucked, but not by you — that‘s gross. After that, just start planting yourself in a prime spot where you can find the right girl. Reflections on a vending machine‘s glass are like a woolly mammoth‘s tar pit for ‘em (this is a surprisingly appropriate analogy, I‘m sorry).

Just be patient and when the moment comes, pounce on ‘em with some jingling coins. Good Luck!

Problem: I don‘t know why, but I just can‘t seem to find anyone out there for me!

It‘s simple, there isn‘t anyone —I took them all. No, I‘m joking, I do need to sleep about three hours a night. Plus I‘m sure there‘s someone out there who‘ll make you really happy, you just haven’t met her yet. I get this question a lot, but I‘m still not sure I understand what‘s going on here: there are girls everywhere! Still, I keep hearing it: “Look Noel, I go to class, I go work, go to the gym, go out with friends, get a drink or two here and there, but the only girls I ever see that actually pique my interest are on the bus or something. I don‘t know what to do!“ I hear ya, I been there. On the bus, I mean — it‘s great. I say it time and time again, you gotta be a hunter, and hunters carry guns, not like animals that do it for survival, but you know — never mind! Anyways, the bus is like a shooting gallery, you just gotta Ka-Plow! it. When you get on, don‘t even stop to pay or anything: you‘re too focused for that, chief. Eye your surroundings and find the girl who‘s getting off with you. Someone might tell you a smile and a hi is your best bet when meeting a person, but you‘re not trying to get an internship at a public radio station — you‘re hunting!

I look up to LL Cool J as a mack-daddy Moses of sorts, two things you can take away from his tablets, uh, videos, are:

1- Lick your lips . . . a lot. It‘s just basic marketing, like when they say look a horse in the mouth before you buy it, except in this case you don‘t kiss with your teeth (this also might be a good time to add you don‘t kiss with your teeth).

2- Pout your lips, a lot. This one‘s a personal favourite. Whereas a smile makes you appear open and expansive, pouting your lips when you‘re just dying to get ‘em on some skin is like charging your internal sex laser. ZZZAPPP!!

You should be doing pretty well by now. Just remember the only thing to be embarrassed by is embarrassment itself. Talk to the girl, find out what she does, what she cares about, what she likes, and be that! Solid.

Problem: I‘m 25 and involved in a serious relationship with a girl I really care about. I don‘t believe in sex before marriage, but I don‘t know how to explain that and I think she‘s starting to wonder what‘s wrong. I love her but I‘m not ready to compromise my beliefs, what do I do?

What?!? I was like seven years old my first time!! Mrs. Lochheart, you dear, sweet lady . . .

Problem: I‘m going to school full-time, I work 30 hours a week, I‘m in clubs, and at the end of the week I don‘t have that much time to go out and date! Am I stuck being alone?

This is a good one, and I can totally relate. I mean not with the first part but you know, it‘s all good when you‘re single and just having your day-to-day fun, but when you take on more responsibilities like you know, clubs, school, work, a couple girlfriends, it starts getting tough to go out and find someone to spend the night with. Don‘t worry though, your boy N to the O-E-L‘s got your back and I‘ma lay it down simple as pie.

One avenue we‘re gonna want to explore is online dating. Now I know a lot of you don‘t want to hear that. You think it‘s kinda odd and like you‘ve taken the fun, organic element out of dating — I get that, I mean hell, homie don‘t play that — but you ain‘t homie and you ain‘t got too much time so . . . giddy up! The beauty of online dating is it takes all the time-wasting and surprise out of meeting someone new. You don‘t need to go eat some food to find out some girl‘s life is boring and they work at Shoppers, you can just read it! But if we‘re looking at time-efficiency, that‘s no good either: you‘re gonna want to go straight for the photos. Now something to consider is, looks aren‘t as important as you think. A pretty mug might be easy on the eyes when you‘re talking, but if things go right, you shouldn‘t need to do too much of that anyways. Look for a girl who shows a bit of cleavage, a little leg, a little fun — any more and you‘re getting in over your head. Always remember, the hunter that treads softly leaves no tracks. A little mystery, a little allure. Face shots should be cool like smoke. Think LL Cool J, think James Bond, think Rainman; enthusiasm and emotion are overrated.

You might at this point be thinking, “Look, all I want is someone I can be myself with. Laugh, have fun, and yeah, be romantic with as well, but I don‘t want to lose my integrity for anyone.“ Which brings me to my last point . . .

Problem: I don‘t want to lose my integrity for anyone.

All I can say is you really need to sit down and think your values through before closing the lid on this. What matters more to you? Would you rather derive your sense of self worth from doing something with your life that connects you to the world and makes an impact, or would you rather have taco sandwiches everyday? Would you rather hold on to your integrity or integrate with some ladies? Would you rather do a semester abroad or do a broad a semester? It‘s pretty simple mathematics, guy. And remember, you‘re not doing this for anyone, you‘re doing it for numero uno: you! Just imagine our world without sex oh wait, you can‘t! There‘s just no fighting it, live, love, love some more: the keys to success. It‘s your boy N signing out. PEACE! ●