Humour

Mystic Hall’s horoscopes

By Stephanie Hall (CUP)

Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)

There’s nothing logical about love. But if you put on the algoRHYTHM (that’s to say don’t be so breezy and cold) you’ll dance in the sack.

Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20)

Don’t worry, they didn’t say it to hurt your feelings — but they meant it, whatever it was. The good thing is that you haven’t left the water yet, but if you take the bait, you’ll flop on the deck and they won’t throw you back.

Aries (March 21 to April 19)

Dear Ram, you’re intense, you know you’re intense, and though it’s been told and sold as a flaw, it’s up to you to decide: intense or passionate.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20)

Bull Balls. You have ‘em but they’re enlarged and uncomfortable. If you keep scratching and readjusting they’ll only swell. Take a load off and stop sweating.

Gemini (May 21 to June 20)

A mirror doesn’t always hang on the wall, nor does your hat. If you laugh and shake hands don’t play it loose or your darting eyes will give you away. Don’t just kiss your twin, embrace him (or her).

Cancer (June 21 to July 20)

Don’t shed your shell too willingly or it will dry out in the sand and you won’t be able to come back when the net takes hold of you. If you can’t hide, or if you’ve already been boiled, don’t cry because at least you’re not itchy. (If you are, I’d suggest a doctor.)

Leo (July 21 to Aug. 20)

The only person more interested in your mane than yourself is your mother. And if you’re still calling her about split ends, it’s not your loyalty propelling you but your vanity.

Virgo (Aug. 21 to Sept. 20)

Nobody cares if your nails aren’t all the same length. Nor do they notice if theirs are, so stop pointing it out.

Libra (Sept. 21 to Oct. 22)

He (or she) is probably lying, though you’ll believe him (or her) anyway. Just thought I’d plant the seed, but the harvest is only abundant in you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)

Just because you sting someone does not mean they’ll get hurt, nor does it mean they’ll stay faithful. Obsession and dedication are two very different behaviours.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)

“Always” is a commitment. But don’t fool yourself; the archer isn’t the only wanderer.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)

It really hurts when a goat kicks you in the face. Be careful with your words.