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Horoscopes for dumb shits

ARIES: You’ve been a bit off the handle recently, Aries. Do you remember that alarmingly dramatic incident where you nearly lost your pinky toe? Of course you don’t, you silly drunk bitch. It’s time to step back and clean up your cum-stained life. TAURUS: Keep your eyes open for betrayal, Taurus. You’ve been an asshole […]

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SPOOF: Famous Feuds of 2016

SFU Exams vs. The Snow What’s this? What’s this? What the fuck is this?! Snow is a big cock-slap in the face, and Metro Vancouver had that frozen dick whap her right on her pink cheeks this winter. SFU felt the whiplash of the cock-slap over the exam period — cancelling and rescheduling a plethora […]

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Hot new slang to use in 2017

Lemon-sucking fuck-face: Bae is a lazy acronym for lazy lovers who blow their load before you can even start thinking about having an orgasm. You left that premature motherfucker in 2016 for better dick, and you should leave the term bae along with him.    Lemon-sucking fuck-face is a much better term of endearment. The […]

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Who’s your SFSS sweetheart?

It’s that time of year again! What time of year you ask? Christmas? No way, you silly son of a pancake-headed fuck. It’s mid November and not Christmas, so please calm your holly-jolly erections. It’s byelection time! Time to be a responsible university student and give a shit about democracy — if only because they […]

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Vincent Van Gogh-and-paint!

Hey there, friends. I’m an artist — and you should be one, too. Now, you may be thinking, “No way, I hate making visual art. Everything I illustrate looks like an uncharismatic potato.” Where’s the issue in that, though? Where did we first come up with the idea that to make art, one has be […]

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How I manage my curly hair

If you are a godforsaken soul with curly hair like myself, you know that managing these gigantic semi-sentient mop creatures can be a real fucking pain. Most of the time, it feels like there’s no solution and it’s just a never-ending cycle of you violently brushing your hair while cursing heaven. And Earth. And both […]

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Professor Bark Ruffington releases philosophy novel Who is the Good Boy?

In his book Who is the Good Boy? Professor Bark Ruffington discusses life’s morality and the question of how to define good and bad. The book has already become globally recognized as classic philosophical literature, while academics are calling it “a revolutionary theory of life” and “as groundbreaking as the toilet bowl.” The professor spoke […]

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Studio Ghibli movies reimagined as Sundance Film Festival winners

You’ve seen and appreciated the dramatic and astonishing character of Sundance Film Festival movies, and also have loved the adorable and uplifting nature of Studio Ghibli films, but have you ever imagined the two intermingled?  You haven’t? Well, The Peak knows what you want and we’ve got it for you babe — don’t even worry. […]

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Your awful summer romances as Pokémon

          Magikarp     When you were 16, you spent a whole month at summer camp being felt up by the kid with headgear because you understood that he was a secret babe. You knew that beneath that metal prison was a flower waiting to blossom into a hunk with a […]

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