Posted in Humour

Grace N. Howl on the SFSS Campaign Trail ’16: Bye Bye Miss American Pie

SFSS candidate looks to future after devastating loss

CMYK-Rachel1-Lisa Dimyadi
Image Credits: Lisa Dimyadi

Hello SFU,

With the results of the elections blatantly obvious to me, I must say that I am disappointed in my loss. The outcome of this student election was devastating to me and I still can’t wrap my head around how I lost something that I poured my heart and soul into.

At the beginning of the campaign I promised that I would be the very best and the only practical choice for your next SFSS president. I still firmly believe that that is a true, which is why I am politely asking the chief elections officer and the SFSS for a recount. It is only fair that I have someone independent and unbiased do the counting once again.

It should have been clear right from the outset that I am 100 percent certain in my ability to run SFU and lead it to greatness, but it is clear to me now that SFU is destined just for meh. SFU, I thought, was ready to topple UBC and their entitled brain at being the most engaged and the hippest and the coolest, but now I can safely say that SFU will forever be lukewarm — like an hour-old espresso that I forgot to drink while I was too busy working my pretty body off trying to run this joint.

By now, I suppose I should step off my high horse and thank the people that supported me. So thanks for nothing, because I didn’t win. Also, a big salute to a girl by the name of Rachel Wong — I was told by some that this girl was my biggest fan and tried a bit too hard to steal my style. While I am a little flattered (and a lot disturbed), only I can wear khakis. Whoever this girl is, please let her know that.

Also, I guess a small thank you to my security team for protecting me from psychopaths such as the individual named above.

You haven’t seen the last of me yet, SFU. But then again, maybe I’ll ditch small time petty university politics for the big leagues. How does Grace N. Howl, president of Russia sound? I’ll take Putin down anyday — I’ve already beat him at arm wrestling. Twice.
Grace N. Howl.