Posted in Humour, Top Humour

Jesus takes the wheel in upcoming Fast and Furious flick

“I don’t have friends, I got Jesus”

Screen Shot 2016-04-01 at 5.10.21 PM
Image Credits: Zachary Chan

After the conclusion of Furious 7, it would have been safe to assume that the Fast and the Furious franchise had driven itself from our lives for good. Alas, living in a world bereft of imagination and innovation in the medium of film, it should come as no surprise to anyone with a pulse that three more sequels to this vehicular crime saga have been announced for release as early as April 2017.

While audiences may think they know what to expect from the long-standing and expedient car series, recent reports suggest the series’ new direction will be nothing short of groundbreaking with its addition of a famous Biblical icon to its prolific cast of characters.

That’s right, folks: grab your cross and hit the NOS, because the son of God has joined the race.

A year from today, Jesus Christ will be cruising his way to the silver screen with Dominic Toretto and his gang of adrenaline junkies for yet another crazy action-adventure, filled with objectified half-naked women, forgettable hip-hop singles, and enough car porn to make any gearhead spurt motor oil.

The recent details on the film’s newest cast member was made known to the public last Friday, during a press conference led by long standing Fast and Furious star and musclebound potato-human hybrid, Vin Diesel.

“This time it ain’t about being fast or furious,” claimed Diesel with a wry grin, “It’s about taking the series to a whole new level. Fans can expect high-flying action sequences and more spiritual exploration than they ever wanted to experience before.”

With the effects of the announcement still rippling through the fanbase, rumours have already begun to swirl about the film’s plot and the loony direction it seeks to take the once grounded street racing franchise.

One such rumour is that the Toretto and his daring team will find themselves in Israel tracking down an old arch nemesis hell bent on exposing the United States’ nuclear codes to a covert terrorist organization, known only as the JUDAS Corp. It’s speculated that Jesus will join the team after facing Toretto in a high-stakes street race in his sick “Holy Roller,” rumoured to be a pimped out white and gold Zenvo ST1.

Diesel also teased fans that the casting for Jesus Christ was already in its final stages of completion. A rep for Universal Studios confirmed the role of the Biblical OG was shortlisted to Academy Award-winning beardos Jared Leto and Joaquin Phoenix. Yet similar sources have also alleged that the film’s role could also go to walking consolidation of lube and pubic hair, Russell Brand.

With the Fast and the Furious franchise set to continue until 2021, it has left many to wonder whether Jesus’s addition to the cast is a blessing in disguise for the series or a sign of the times. With the fate of the billion dollar series in the balance, all fans and executives can do is pray the series doesn’t stall out.

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