Posted in Humour

CJSF 90.1 broadcasts test answers from fifth floor AQ bathroom

In a last-ditch effort to gain listeners, the campus radio station has taken to airing answers to midterm examinations

cjsf monkey
Image Credits: Matthew Fong

In a recent bid to gain listeners, SFU radio station CJSF 90.1 FM has begun broadcasting test answers. The hope is that students will finally tune in, if only to pass their next midterm.

At first the CJSF used a brazen approach, simply announcing test answers at select times. However, SFU administration was quick to crack down, and they were forced to use more subversive methods.

A complicated code language was created using Led Zeppelin as a base. Their songs were edited and looped so that the pitch and tempo of Robert Plant’s moaning noises would indicate what the answer was. However, the administration soon caught on to this new trick and the radio station was warned to cease aiding cheaters. As a result, more extreme measures were employed.

CJSF began to play edited rap songs under the guise of mixtapes in order to broadcast answers. The works of Drake, André 3000, Ice Cube, and even Meek Mill were edited together to spell out test answers, such as “Started from the bottom now the answer is muscular dystrophy,” and “Straight outta the textbook, crazy muthafucka named page 67.”

The radio station claimed these were not test results, but rather were “unreleased and experimental collaboration tracks.” The administration caught on once again. This was the last straw, and the radio station was taken off the air.

Two days later, however, the CJSF was back up, broadcasting from a bathroom at the top of the Academic Quadrangle, calling itself the true “Pirate Radio” and babbling some nonsense about ‘fighting the good fight.’

When asked about the controversy, SFU student Jordan Clemens summed up the general feeling amongst the student body, saying “I didn’t even know we had a radio station until now. Hell, I didn’t even know people still had radios. I thought they stopped making those like 80 years ago!”