Posted in Humour

A gentlemen’s guide on what to do when caught masturbating

Some helpful tips for those caught taming their trouser snake

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Image Credits: Alexa Tarrayo

Let’s face it: there’s nothing more natural than masturbation. Jerking it, beating the meat, choking the chicken — fellas, the reason we have so many euphemisms for masturbation is because it’s the closest thing to a sexual art form for us. Unfortunately, one risk of masturbating is being caught in the act, so here’s a step-by-step guide for you guys out there caught with your pants down.

Diffuse the Dynamite

Chances are when caught in the act, you’re damn near close to ejaculation. The last thing you want to be remembered for is being that asshole who came on your parents, friends, roommates, etc. Your dong is a loaded stick of spermy TNT, so turn around quickly and let it fly, before your fertile frag grenade explodes on an innocent bystander. It’s basic love gun safety, gentlemen.

Hit The Exit Window

Now, this part’s trickier. Namely because the person walking in has probably already heard digitized exclamations of “you like this, you dirty whore” or “fuck me harder, you big stud” coming from your laptop. However, the last thing you want the world to know is that you are a aficionado of“Horny MILF Gets Gang-Banged By Eight Young Studs” trilogy. Hit that red “X” button fast, and explain that the noises are an experimental feminist music piece or something.

Whip Out The Kleenex

Kleenex is your best friend in this scenario, whether for wiping away your man goo or as a means of poorly covering up exposed genitalia. Use as much Kleenex as humanly possible to explain away your masturbation as a case of cleaning. This solution is foolproof, unless your penis is already so hard that the Kleenex covering it looks like a mummified tent-pole.

Get Rid Of That Erection

It’s time to put those mental powers of yours to the test. You got a massive erection and you need to get rid of it fast. Just hitting your ding-a-ling while yelling “go-away damn it” simply isn’t enough (plus, it’s pretty painful). Think of the biggest boner-killer as fast as you can, whether that be a crazy castrator chasing you with a knife or Khloe Kardashian’s face. Bring down that erect Eiffel Tower down by any means necessary!

Blame Society

Alright, let’s be honest with ourselves: All the shit you did before this step won’t hide that you were actually masturbating. So it’s time to pull out your ace in the hole and blame everything aside from yourself from your actions. After all, it’s not your fault you have account to Brazzers — those subscription offers were just too good turn down! If all else fails, just fess up and admit you’re a lonely pathetic loser with no relationship prospects. . . and then do the same thing tomorrow.

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