You may notice that we white people seem to ask for a whole load of stupid holidays. What most people don’t know, however, is that we whites have a plethora of frivolous holidays that we have yet to drop your way. Here’s a list of some other ones we’re getting ready to advocate for.
Reverse Racism Remembrance Day
Can you remember all those times someone has referred to you as a cracker or honky? Well, I can remember all three! We would like to make November 12 a day to remember all those racist insults non-white people have ever thrown our way, with a moment of silence followed by a solemn performance of the “Chicken Dance.” Take that, reverse racism!
Basic Bitch/Bro Appreciation Day
Whip out your Uggs and sip your pumpkin spice lattes, people — it’s time for the most basic day in history! February 6 is a time to celebrate your inner basic bitch or bro. This is an excellent time to head on over to Starbucks and chant “OMG I CAN’T EVEN!” as you sample a cornucopia of caffeine-infused beverages.
Bring Your Minority Friend to Work Day
Tired of everyone assuming you only have white friends? We feel your pain. On March 12, show up those generalizing assholes by bringing that one minority friend you have to work. Whether it’s your black friend who struggles to maintain a smile while you say the N-word during a Drake song, or that Asian friend who you make fun of for not being able to use chopsticks properly. You know you aren’t a racist, and fuck anyone who says otherwise!
Vent Your White Guilt Day
Many white people in this world totally aren’t racist at all, and just really mean well — and on May 27, by God, are we going to remind you all for the millionth time. So everyone, don’t be threatened if some white guy walks up to you to apologize for slavery, even though you’re actually Persian. We need to remind you that we feel really bad about a lot of shit, even if we don’t remember exactly who we did what shit to. Look, the point is we feel really bad guys! Can’t we just all get along?
Deliberating On Who is White Day
This is the most important day for white people, because it’s the day we decide who is in the ‘club.’ Originally reserved for WASPs only, eventually we finally got around to bringing Irish, Italian, and Spanish people into the fold. So on June 25, get ready for us to figure out who’s in and who’s out. In the ‘40s Jewish people weren’t in vogue, but now they’re white as hell! And in the present day, anyone who’s Muslim is seen as some brown person who’s potentially a terrorist. So come on in and celebrate the lottery of who is least likely to get profiled in Western countries based on race! Woohoo!