Posted in Humour

Your sex life according to your major

“Becky, could you please stop quoting Aristotle! It’s not arousing dirty talk!”

Image Credits: Janis McMath

Your major is a personal choice — one which can reflect your personality, quirks, and even your desires.  It only makes logical sense that it would be reflected in your sexual life, and sometimes things can get a little freaky. Maybe one day you’ll have a normal sex life after you’ve abandoned all hopes of using your degree and start working in retail, but for now, The Peak presents your sex life according to your major.


You and your sexual partner contemplate the probability of making each other moan. You begin to calculate the chance of this single random event occurring and realize that the possibility is astronomically low, so you decide to call it quits. You just can’t argue with numbers.


You straddle your sexual partner while kissing the nape of their neck and whispering sexy things in their ears like “We know you murdered that woman, David. We found the murder weapon knife covered in your fingerprints and we have multiple witnesses confirming that you were present on the night of the crime. The more cooperative you are, the easier this will be on you.” You then cuff them up, attend their trial to attest their guilt and watch as the judge sentences your sexual partner to a life in prison.  The hand of the law gives a good spankin’.


“And with stimulation here, the release of  the chemical dopamine should trigger an orga—“ Oh golly. You’re glad you wore safety goggles.


Whenever you and your partner are getting down, you get busy studying their behaviour and referencing Freudian theory in order to explain their strange sexual behaviours. “Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me because you have an Oedipus complex and I resemble your mother?”


As you and your sexual partner bone, you can’t help but think about bones the whole time.  “They found a 37,000 year old skull in Borneo which completely overturns long-held views about the region they were found in!” you ecstatically recall, moments before reaching climax.


You understand that bend, baby.  Life is sweet, and flexible.