With all the excitement over Pokémon Go, a lot of today’s youth have forgotten about the glories of observing real animals in the wild. Alas, according to young people today, it’s just not as titillating as catching a digital pocket monster. I call bullshit on that — especially considering all the hidden creatures residing at SFU, which for too long have gone unnoticed. So, pry yourself off your phones for a second and see something you gotta catch a glimpse of!
Raccoons are a furry staple of SFU’s Burnaby campus — but what about those who are transformed by raccoons? While most doctors will tell you the worst to come out of a raccoon attack is rabies or some other virus, there’s a secret locked away by the medical profession. That’s right: the fearsome were-raccoon! Some students have been sighted transforming into these giant part raccoon part man creatures, only to chitter at the moon and rummage through garbage bins hoping to eat thrown-out Triple O’s. Chilling!
Ever notice a moaning in the aisles of Bennett Library? Some say it’s not merely tired students groaning from essays, but the walking dead. Students who have starved themselves to death and re-animated to haunt the library looking for brains to consume so they can succeed in their studies. Their limping existence is a testament to the great horror that is exam season!
McFogg the Dog, our beloved mascot, might be hiding a dark secret. In fact, it may not McFogg at all, but rather an evil replacement. Stories of a shadowy McFogg-like figure from an alternate timeline have become common folklore among students. With red eyes and a fearsome, wolfish grimace, think twice about hugging this mascot and posing for a selfie.
Enduring another lousy floormate making an ungodly racket? Well, what if I were to tell you it was something much more unholy and bone-chilling? Students who recently knocked on an agitated neighbour’s door were shocked to find it vacant but still producing eerie noises. Could it be a loud iPod trapped in the wall, or is it really a demonic presence? All I know is that no human being would really leave “Who Let the Dogs Out” by Baha Men blasting.
Yes, that tribe of moochers who are rumoured to have invaded study spaces at SFU’s Surrey campus. Some say their existence is mere legend, but others have terrifying tales of having to force Kwantlen students out of their study areas. The blood-curdling whining and moaning of the Kwantlen students as they are forced to leave is said to be excruciating. Some say they’re merely bored students from a different university, but the most dangerous threats are sometimes the most seemingly innocuous. Beware, friends!