Posted in Humour, Top Humour

How to live like royalty at SFU

Flaunt your riches efficiently

peak_royalty
Image Credits: Alice Zhang

Universities have long been a stronghold for the elite and prestigious. Having a degree makes it much easier for the common folk to relate to pure divinity. With the increase in international students’ fees, it seems likely that SFU will join the likes of Cambridge and Eton in acquiring illustrious attendees eager to splurge on their tuition.

But what are monarchical students to do when attending this school they must share with the plebeians? Sit in the same seats? Eat the same food? Study the same materials? What blasphemy!

Thankfully, yours truly has comprised a survival guide for how to properly live as royalty at SFU in preparation for when I decide to take over as Supreme Eternal Empress of Canada. These simple tips and tricks will help you find a balance between making the masses realize how philanthropic and prodigious you are, while keeping your hands clean of the dirty commoners.

 

1) Identify those worthy of being your servants

If you’re coming here from another country and left your personal attendants behind in an attempt to fit in better, make sure you at least learn from your mistake. Scout out servants based on how easily you can buy their loyalty.

2) Never return your library books on time

True royalty transcend the need for “deadlines.” The library should recognize your importance and hand over possession of all their book collection for free. Think of it as your personal bookshelf and storage space.

3) Never pay for tuition on time

Paying for that extra six percent on school fees like it’s no big deal is a great way to not-so-subtly flaunt your wealth to the student services admin. Timing shouldn’t matter for the elite.

4) Only wear SFU swag

I know it will be tough to downgrade from your regular quality of clothing, but wearing all SFU clothing will make those “spotted” photos all the more satisfying for the common folk back home. Additionally, it will signal to other SFU students that you are just like them, only richer.

5) Find the right throne for you

Many SFU classrooms contain only hard, uncomfortable seating. Make sure to contact your personal furniture procurer beforehand and have them install a throne for each classroom you’ll be using this semester. Put your citizens’ taxes to good use, and bear in mind that proper back support is essential — you’ll be sitting on it for several minutes a month, after all.

6) Buy off your TAs

The best way to get good grades is the age-old practice of bribing your TA. Remember that here, TAs are only one social notch above slaves, and with a donation of a small fraction of a royal jewel, you can sustain them for over 50 years. Philanthropy is important for future rulers.

7) Always get the guacamole

It may seem like just some mashed avocado and chopped cilantro, but it’s really so much more. Getting that dollop of guac at the burrito place represents prestige, represents pride, represents luxury. Whether you’re the long-lost Prince of Tuvalu or Queen Elizabeth signing up for continuing studies, this assertion of wealth is a must.

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