Posted in Humour, Top Humour

Your awful summer romances as Pokémon

Pikachu, I don’t choose you. We have no chemistry.

love pokeball edit




When you were 16, you spent a whole month at summer camp being felt up by the kid with headgear because you understood that he was a secret babe. You knew that beneath that metal prison was a flower waiting to blossom into a hunk with a set of perfectly aligned teeth and a great jawline. Once his headgear was removed though, he realized the superiority of his evolution and stopped flailing around with you and started flirting with other people. On the plus side, though, you are pretty sure he’ll never forget your Dragon Rage — not with a scar that big.




There was that sweaty summer, the one where you and your boyfriend snacked hard. The two of you dared to explore a whole world of cheesecakes, a universe of candy, and a motherfucking multiverse of chocolate. You quickly gained 60 pounds. Your boobs were awesome that summer. Even though your food-based love was essentially perfect, it eventually dawned on you that sleeping an average of 16 hours per day was pretty unproductive. Also, you were pretty sure your heartbeat was becoming audible.





The summer you spent travelling alone through Europe was the summer you met that guy in Amsterdam with whom you smoked a lot of grass. After a month with him, you found yourself becoming a Grass type yourself. You two would do a Petal Dance each night in the sweet and soft light of his lava lamps. After leaving Europe, though, you noticed a strange itching on your own petals — yipes! You didn’t know that he was a poison type!






You hit puberty the summer you turned 13, and your huge boobs made you the most popular girl in school (because misogyny is deeply rooted in the constructs of society). With this newfound power you obtained because of your breasts, you decided to date that dumb beefy jock with the pouty lips because he was older and you assumed older guys were sophisticated. Oh, were you ever wrong. He once asked you what a Burn Heal did, and believed you when you jokingly said that it healed paralysis.  When you ran into him again after years had passed, he told you that he recently joined Team Instinct and thought it was the best team of the three. Poor dumb bastard.







Actually, that was a great summer.