Posted in Humour, Top Humour

How to have sex as an SFU student

Express your school spirit through sex

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Image Credits: Alisha Lee

How can I incorporate more SFU school spirit into my sex life? It’s a question we’ve all asked ourselves at one time or another during our university careers. Statistics show that students’ sexual engagement with SFU is at the all-time low of never having existed.

To ensure that students are able to support their university in all facets of their lives, The Peak  has provided an official guide to fornicating, the Simon Fraser way.


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The Stadium

Is your partner athletic? Start by amping up the mood and excitement for them, promising all kinds of awesome stuff like shelter from the rain and room for a large audience, only to realize at the last second that you’re not prepared and can’t go through with it due to a lack of financial planning and foresight. This will help you empathize and stand in solidarity with the Simon Fraser Student Society on how tough it is to let people down.

 

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The Bell Curve

This roleplay is BDSM-friendly, just be sure to discuss personal boundaries with your partner beforehand. The setting is your average classroom. One participant will be acting as the professor, the other as your GPA. Start with the professor stating that they will be implementing Gaussian Probability Distribution in their grading. Next, have them come forward and start roughly ramming your GPA up the butthole. That’s about all there is to it.

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The Commuter

Enact the average SFU commuter’s peak sexual experience with a partner. First, board a busy bus together, finding standing space directly next to one another. Second, let the sexual tension amplify as you descend the mountain, determinedly avoiding eye contact for fear of letting loose and going at it in the tight public space. Third, get off the bus at your respective stops, go home, and never see each other again.

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The Professor/Student Relation

In an age where teacher/student pornos litter every adult website, who wouldn’t want an authentic, sexy classroom experience? Start out with one partner coming to the other’s class each week, staying late to ask questions and get “extra credit.” Continue in this manner until the sexual advances culminate to a climactic breaking point, resulting in the professor shutting the student down in a curt and professional manner — as any responsible authority figure should.

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The Petter

SFU president Andrew Petter is an icon for sexual inspiration — his last name alone says it all. Pay homage to the prez by putting some Petter in your heavy petting. Cuddle up to your partner nice and close, and lovingly stroke them like a cute animal from head to butt. While you’re at it, whisper “engage the world” huskily in their ear. The more ways you can incorporate the terms “engage”/”engaging”/”engagement”/”engager” into your pillow talk, the better you’re doing. You might even be set for marriage by the end.

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The Avocado

Is an SFU sex article an SFU sex article if it doesn’t mention the avocado? I doubt it. Perform interpretive sex with a partner, with one person curling up into a ball to symbolize the pit of our glorious sculpture, and the other taking on a soft mushy consistency as they curl around them. Perform sexual acts this way, or add a third person on the other side of the pit to form a whole avocado.

 

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The McFogg

Do SFU’s mascot proud by doing it doggy style — with some important additions, of course. Prior to copulation, both partners must abstain from shaving any body hair for at least a month to properly channel their inner dog. While performing the sex act, either one or both participants must wear a traditional Scottish tam o’ shanter cap. Bow-wow, SFU.

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