Posted in Humour, Top Humour

SFU Contagion

toxic_goo_web
Image Credits: Alexa Tarrayo


The following are excerpts from one fearless investigative journalist, who risked their personal well-being to bring the truth to public attention. Their research began with ominous rumours about one Vancouver post-secondary institution, Simon Fraser University, and the outlandish behaviour of its pupils. These logs were acquired through accessing their online cloud files. The journalist’s current state and whereabouts are unknown.  

 

Time: 09:17, 03/10/2016

Location: Simon Fraser University, Burnaby

Latitude: 49.2769

Longitude: -122.9148

 

I’ve arrived safely at the SFU Burnaby location. To protect my identity, I will be adopting the alias of Miranda Macfarlane — an average, inconspicuous SFU student.

I enrolled at this school to follow up on reports of abnormal behaviour among SFU’s students. Some of the alleged behavioural oddities include spontaneous bouts of sleeping, immunity to loud noises and disturbances, and a bizarre sexual fixation on avocados. My supposition is that the students have been afflicted with a contagion of sorts, the source of which I cannot say.

I must now head to my first class. I will update later on the status of my investigation.

 

Time: 14:22, 03/10/2016

Location: Simon Fraser University, Burnaby

Latitude: 49.2769

Longitude: -122.9148

 

My classes have ended for the day. I have observed that the students rely heavily on psychoactive substance abuse to get through their days. There are over seven dispensaries of 1,3,7-Trimethylpurine-2,6-dione (common name: caffeine) across this campus, and all of them have long lines.

Is this because students are tired? Or is there a more nefarious reason behind this dependency? For now, I cannot say, though I can say that something smells fishy, and it’s not fish (though the poor koi could do with a pond cleaning).

 

Time: 08:10, 04/10/2016

Location: Simon Fraser University, Vancouver

Latitude: 49.2848

Longitude: -123.1121

 

I have made it to the Vancouver campus. I feel slightly more at ease with my safety here, not being isolated on a mountain. There is civilization nearby which, while reassuring, could pose a liability if the site should need quarantining. I will attend my classes here keeping a keen eye out for similarities and differences in pupils’ behaviour between the two locations.

 

Time: 10:20, 04/10/2016

Location: Simon Fraser University, Vancouver

Latitude: 49.2848

Longitude: -123.1121

 

Students seem excessively lethargic during lecture. I believe this is likely a byproduct of the contagion, but it is doubtlessly supplemented by the professor’s lecture style. She has a PhD in psychology, and the rather impressive ability to speak in complete monotone without breathing. Could the affliction have spread to the teachers as well?


Time: 15:01, 06/10/2016

Location: Simon Fraser University, Burnaby

Latitude: 49.2769

Longitude: -122.9148

 

I’m back at the Burnaby campus today. I have found a lead regarding the source of SFU’s virus. What appears to be radioactive goo the wall of the concrete stairwell that leads to the Maggie Benson parking lot. It is my theory that this is what’s causing the strange behaviour of SFU’s students. Most passersby assume it’s some kind neon mould, but I think it may very well be the work of aliens and/or an evil scientist. I shaded the substance from light and it still glowed phosphorescent. This nearly confirms my theory. I will investigate the goo further once I have proper safety materials.

 

Time: 17:40, 06/10/2016

Location: Simon Fraser University, Burnaby

Latitude: 49.2769

Longitude: -122.9148

 

Near the library, I saw a family of Procyon lotor (common name: raccoons) rifling through the garbage. People passed by, unfazed by the fact that giant procyonidae were defacing school property. I worry that I am too late to save the students of this institution.

 

Time: 17:40, 07/10/2016

Location: Simon Fraser University, Surrey

Latitude: 49.1944

Longitude: -122.8495

 

The number of sleeping students is proliferating. Despite the beautiful architecture and modern design of the SFU Surrey campus, the students seem much more inclined to pay attention to the inside of their eye sockets. From my calculations, the rate of nappers seems to be increasing in correlation to the proximity of midterms.

While eavesdropping for further information, I heard one interactive arts and technology student say that a project partner from a previous semester determinedly avoided eye contact with him in the halls. Could this be related to the goo?

 

Time: 17:40, 09/10/2016

Location: Simon Fraser University, Burnaby

Latitude: 49.2769

Longitude: -122.9148

 

I came in on a Sunday to inspect the potentially dangerous substance without disturbance. Despite my nitrile rubber suit, the substance had a degradation rate of under a minute. I may have been infected. Tell my iguana I love him.

 

Time: 19:04, 20/10/2016

Location: Simon Fraser University, Burnaby

Latitude: 49.2769

Longitude: -122.9148

 

Hey, sorry I haven’t been updating the logs, I’ve just been real busy with midterms and bussing everywhere and stuff. Today I bought another latte instead of my usual morning glass of strawberry milk. I’m so tired all the time . . .
. . . Is it just me, or does the rigid curvature of that avocado sculpture look really erotic?

 

 

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