Posted in Humour

Tips for anti-capitalist romantics

Be my comrade?

Image Credits: Carolyn Yip

This article is dedicated to this author’s most honourable chairman of their heart, Z.

 

If you have someone causing a mass uprising in your lower class, use these tricks to spice things up with your own comrade.

  1. Liven up your sex life with your own Lenin and try these trendy positions together:
    • The Mao: Get on your knees, bow down, kowtow, and go down on your chair(wo)man.
    • The Bernie: Keep 1% of your clothes on in protest.
    • Animal Farm (by George Orwell): Host an orgy with your anti-capitalist fuckbuddies in an abandoned barn (fursuits optional).
  2. Don’t be afraid to use props. Spank your comrade with a copy of Das Kapital while you beg for them to Putin in you.
  3. Marx up your honey with some hickeys to let everyone know they’re yours.
  4. Reclaim the means of production by doing some reproducing of your own and burning a sweatshop factory together!
  5. At a loss for lingerie? Wear nothing but a red flag.
  6. Have a picnic; make like a post-communist revolution and share those goods.
  7. If your bae is bad and bourgeoisie, take a page from Bey’s anti-capitalist lyrics and tell ‘em to go, “to the left, to the left.”
  8. Huddle around a cozy fireplace for a proletariat snuggle.
  9. Tinder-tip! Message your match first with lines like: “If you’re feelin’ sickle, I can hammer you all night long.”
  10. Delete your capitalist ex off your phone and wish them a great time in the gulag.
  11. Take pics together! Shoot them like the czar they are.
  12. Nothing goes a long way like love letters about left-wing theory.
  13. Roleplaying is everything — blindfold your lover(s), take them out to the woods for a good ‘gangbang,’ and execute the entire Russian royal family for treason! Protip: Hide the body of the youngest daughter to keep things mysterious!

 

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